wildseven

I've tried, a few times, to write a new blog, but I've been a little out of sorts lately. Every day is different, and impossible to predict. So I just sorta threw them all together.

Okay. It's quarter past three in the morning. I'm listening to Vredesbyrd by Dimmu Borgir, after an hour or two of Candlemass. I just can't sleep. The many friends I have from SG chat are enjoying that right now, but I have no such luxury. I can only use my phone in bed, which has a useful but limited IM feature. Which is one of the things driving my dark contemplation at the minute. Probably accelerated by the black metal, but it's what I think feels appropriate to listen to at the minute. Today's been a productive one, in my opinion anyway. I finished something that I consider to be my first artistic endeavour. I've been working on it a little every day for about the past week. Alas, the only equipment I had when the urge struck was a black ball point pen, and 4 different coloured whiteboard markers. Red, blue, green and black. I started by writing the word Pain in bold writing. From there I just followed my emotions. Didn't really analyze what I was doing.
Here I am, a few days later and my work has taken up almost an entire page. Earlier this evening I began work on it again, and I became heavily absorbed in it. I just felt a sudden burst of creative energy overwhelm me. At the time I just zoned out. Looked at my bedroom clock and it said half six. I changed the television station twice, and when I looked back again the clock read ten past eight. And my page was filled with an image.

Not an image of anything in particular, just a mass of instinctual scrawlings, stemming from the first word that sprung to my mind, pain. The whole time I worked on it, I just had random thoughts. Just random, unthinking utterances, spilling from my hand and onto my page. /end

Another major upset for me. Another in a long line. There's been a problem with my leave of absence application. So now I've to go into every detail of what I plan on doing. Whether or not it will apply retroactively or for the forthcoming year. I just need to stop for a while. Stop everything. Close down the factory and turn off the lights. Just so I can catch my bearings. I think that once I stop everything and reach a state of pure un-entanglement, I'll know what to do. Is it so bad just to not want to deal with anything, for once? Just to have a stretch of time with no worries, or stress, or medical trouble, or stupid bureaucratic bullshit. Every day something comes up that I have to think about and make decisions on. Weigh up the cost and benefit of something. My parents getting pissed off because it's "unhealthy" to stay in my room too much. So then I have to go out with them. Wander aimlessly around a shopping centre buying stuff I don't even really need. I don't understand the whole big deal about social interaction with the general public. Going out, to just act like I'm comfortable in situations where I clearly don't belong. What's the point in being forced into situations that just make me uncomfortable? Make me stress out to the breaking point I've been circling for the past few years.

The thing is, though, this happens with people I know, too. Even people I should be comfortable with by now. Tonight is a surprise birthday party for my sister. Organised by her best and friend and boyfriend, and I've been asked to go. I was asked three days ago, and I've barely slept since then. I seriously can't stomach, can't deal with the stress of, even, my sister's birthday party. I haven't had a stress-free day for as long as I can remember. A day when everything just goes. A day where I can just switch off my brain. Not worry or stress about the validity of everything. Not examine all the flaws in my life, or dwell on the shit I can't control. Just watch a film I pick at random, without having to pick out the right one for the moment. Just have an a switch-off day, where I don't have to listen to myself shite on about everything.

Yesterday, I had my first real phone call. I ended up chatting to a fantastic friend for two hours. I'm terrible with phone calls, and I nearly shat myself in the run up to answering the phone, but I think it went well. So that's some improvement. Gah, I've reached a roadblock again. Cthulhu fhtagn and various other such sentiments.

I recently saw a brilliant episode of Sponge Bob. I thought it was absolutely hilarious! They even had an opera audio clip at the end. Handsome Squidward with the square jaw is amazing. Haha. Sorry about the quality, it was the only one I could find:


And here's another clip from one of the most intelligent cartoon episodes of all time. It's like Vanilla Sky, almost, with the blurred lines between dream and reality. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it just struck me as brilliant:


I've been obsessed with doom metal lately. It's definitely drawing me in. I'm experimenting with sludge metal too, expanding my horizons. I've gotten my hands on bucketloads of new death, black, doom, sludge and experimental metal, so we'll see where that goes. I've picked a few songs out of my past few weeks:

Nice music, too See, I've got layers. Like an onion... or Shrek.