wildseven

For some reason lately i haven't been eating very well. I can't find anything to eat during the day. When my blood sugar gets low i start to spiral lower and lower. The meds are working this time. They're fucking working. Sometimes. It's very hard to explain. Sometimes i'm positive it's working, but other times i'm not. I've found my voice in some ways. I've found what makes me happier than i have been. And i need to start eating again. I don't care what i eat during the day, or how bad it is for me but i think the lightheadedness is doing something to me. In lighter news i've almost, kinda, half found a way to access the side of me that has been cordened off for a long time. The side that i thought was lost in the darkness of Todash. I think it might still be possible to have the social interaction i've dreamed of having.

The social interaction that allows me to make perverted jokes every once in a while. The type of jokes i find hilarious, but never have the guts to tell. Because i'm afraid of how they'll be taken. When people tell dirty jokes, normally everyone gets it. Everyone, independently, comes to the conclusion that it's a joke. Haha, they made a funny. But that doesn't happen with me. Almost every time in the past, my attempts at risqu humour have gone horribly wrong. Nobody seems to ever grasp my intent. So i err on the side of safety. I've always let other people make the disgusting jokes, and laughed about it with everyone else. But that's not how attraction works. The whole element of playfulness depends on this aspect. The whole notion of telling jokes about sex, or disgusting things. The whole notion of blurring the lines between appropriate and inappropriate, rude and funny, taboo and benal. How? Just how do people do this? I can't understand how it works.

Any joke i make relating to sex falls like a lead ballon, and i die a little inside. Instead of a few people laughing along, as is the norm, somebody takes the joke the wrong way. Or the look on their face isn't a knowing chuckle. It's a disturbed grimace. A shadow falls over their face and they seem to get almost afraid. Maybe it's a paranoia thing. Maybe they do take it as a joke, but i just don't realise. Every time i try anything outside the barrier of everyday chitchat about music, films, it does not work. If, for example, i'm watching somebody on webcam, and, only for example, they take off their top. Five people will say something funny, slightly rude. Flirty, playful behaviour. But that never happens with me. It's always taken as if i'm planning on drugging them later in the evening, then clipping a lock of their hair to keep in my pocket at all times, so i can smell it if i get lonely. That's what i glean from the reaction i get.

I'm not a creepy guy, i know that, but people seem to think that i am whenever i try to venture into the realm of playful, flirty behaviour. I know i have a talent for creative writing I know, for a fact, that, given the chance, i can unleash a sexual maelstrom on anyone. But people always seem to react seriously whenever i try to change tack. People seem to think i'm intent on following them home and watching them sleep. Why is it not taken as a joke, like with everyone else? Why is it always remembered and dwelled on? I know i'm a serious person. You can tell that from my blogs and the way i feel about certain topics. But my lued behaviour is relatively tame compared to most people. And i always follow it with an indication that i'm joking. But it always gets misconstrued.

Personal splurge, if you're not into that type of thing

The main thing: flirting. I cannot understand this. I can't grasp the logic behind it. I'm great with everything else, except this. This seemingly innocuous concept that seems to govern any and all relationships. Without this exceptional talent, i'm lost in a sea of anger, confusion and eventual depression. This is partially why, anyway. After my last blog, the Avatar blog, i was on a high. A high that's just after dying down. Equilibrium is restored after the huge upslope of figuring out some personal stuff that's plagued me for a long time. This is gonna sound like the script for an infomercial: But wait! There's more. There's always more. The surface has just been scratched. The wound is open again. Instead of a healed layer of skin beneath, there are untold horrors. Some of which i haven't discovered yet. Underneath every layer of crap i scrape off, there is yet more dark shit i seem to dredge up. Eventually i'll reach the bottom of it, but for now it's still running deep and true.

The meds are taking the edge off the bad side though. They're cutting the downslope shorter every week. Allowing me to develop the other side of things. The superficial, necessary things. Social interaction. Proper, flirty behaviour. Normal stuff. Another thing the meds are doing is relieving some of the other pressures. All the anxiety, paranoia and dependence on other people are all being drastically reduced. The fears i normally have are being reduced. I think travel is now an option for the future. A serious one. I'm travelling to the UK this coming year. At some stage. To see London and maybe meet up with some of my friends from here. That's the lot for today. Feeling better already.

This is a song from The Commitments. And i think your man is an amazing singer. Good old dublin slang


Woe to You Oh Earth and Sea
for the Devil sends the beast with wrath
because he knows the time is short
Let him who have understanding
reckon the number of the beast
for it is a human number
its number is six hundred and sixty six.