wildseven

I hate fucking everything. I hate my life. I hate everything about it. I hate all the things i don't have. I hate the way things make me feel. I hate the way everyone else gets to have a sex life. I hate the way everyone else gets to have friends. I hate the way everyone else gets to walk. I hate that people complain about insignificant things. I hate the way the doctor didn't tell me that meds cause a significant increase in suicidal thoughts for people under 25. I hate the way you can't tell pretty women that you think they're pretty. I hate the way music makes me sad. I hate the way people can hurt your feelings without realising. I hate that every person i like has a significant other. I hate the way my sister fakes illnesses to get meds. I hate the people i had to go to school with when i was younger. I hate people who discriminate. I hate douchebag guys who get to be happy. I hate the way when you really like a girl and she turns out to be gay. I hate that you can't tell friends how you feel. I hate people who lie, cheat and steal, and get to lead fantastic guys. I hate when people cheat on the person they're in a relationship with. I hate seeing people happy, with people they love. I hate that i've never had a reciprocated romantic attraction to a girl. I hate that every day i have to get up to the same boring life. I hate that i won't get to experience my 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s. I hate that Layne Staley died. I hate that Dimebag was killed. I hate that sexist asshole pigs get to appreciate the love of a woman. I hate that The Dark Tower ended in such a sad way. I hate the way i won't get to visit america. I hate that some people lie to get into a girl's pants. I hate that girls think all guys are like that. I hate that some girls are like that. I hate the way people don't regard metal as music. I hate the way my hand-made envelopes turned out wonky. I hate that Call of Duty keeps crashing on my brother. I hate that my desktop wallpaper of Kate Beckinsale is blurry. I hate that so many people i know have died. I hate that my small finger goes numb when it's cold out. I hate that my sister's a bitch almost all the time. I hate the way i hate so many things. I hate that i have to pay to upgrade to Windows 7. I hate the way i can't get the hang of programming languages. I hate that i don't have the resolve to finish my degree. I hate that so many people have to go through so much hard stuff. I hate the way friends keep trying to help me, but my blogs are still dark and gloomy. I hate that i'm probably going to fail all my exams. I hate that i don't care. I hate that i don't know any poetry. I hate that i haven't read a lot of classic books. I hate all the mistakes i regret. I hate that my memory is so fragmented. I hate that i've never had the nerve to get a tattoo. I hate that i've never had the nerve to get another piercing. I hate that i've always been too big a coward to tell some people how i've felt in the past. I hate that i can't be as honest as i want to be. I hate that my brain tells me i'm inadequate, right when i need confidence. I hate that i'm probably never going to know the love of a woman. I hate that i can't read faster. I hate that i never win at scrabble. I hate the way i have trouble remembering song lyrics. I hate the way i have to keep reorganising everything i have because it never looks right. I hate that the Virgin in my local shopping centre shut down. I hate that i never had the balls to tell Amanda i thought she was the coolest person in there. I hate that i never had a decent conversation with her. I hate that half the time i try to type unicorn i type Unicron. I hate that the wireless connection with my PS3 is so slow. I hate that i've never finished Final Fantasy's 1-6, 8, 9, 11 and 12. I hate that i haven't read 'Salem's Lot. I hate that i have to take all my DVDs out of the wrapper when i buy them. I hate that i don't have space to plug in more stuff. I hate that i can't pour out my own drinks. I hate that i can't fix my netbook. I hate that i haven't seen When Harry Met Sally. I hate that i never told any of the people in secondary school that i liked them. I hate that i don't have the balls to send people dirty whispers. I hate that people start to celebrate Christmas around the end of november. I hate that i advised my parents to get the wrong game for my brother for his 9th birthday. I hate that his birthday wasn't what it could have been because i was a fucking idiot. I hate that i'm not artistic. I hate that i no longer have an imagination. I hate that my eyes and throat go weird when i'm sad. I hate that i'm embarrassed about masturbating. I hate that AIM stands for AOL Instant Messenger. I hate that i can't speak properly. I hate that i didn't go to Orla's 21st because i was scared of interacting with other people. I hate that when i leave the house i get people gawking at me. I hate that i haven't left the house in four days. I hate that i haven't bothered to pick up a book all year. I hate that my real social life pales in comparison to my internet social life. I hate that i didn't get into music sooner. I hate Twilight. I hate that Crisis on Infinite Earths nearly made me cry at the end. I hate that Solaris was so sad. I hate that i've never tried any drugs. I hate that i've never experienced euphoria. I hate that the hospital couldn't organise anything right during both my operations. I hate that i can still feel the shitty-ness i felt 7 years ago due to morphine. I hate that in a drugged-out haze i told my little brother to shut up. I hate the way my sister has her own unique way of making anyone feel like shit. I hate that my great aunt included the euthanising of her two pets in her will. I hate that i can't stand my alcoholic uncle. I hate that i can't visit my Grandad anymore. I hate that i don't remember three of my grandparents. I hate that i can't remember good things like that, but can remember the bad. I hate that when i heard the song Bittersweet Symphony at the end of Cruel Intentions i got so depressed i cut my arm in several places. I hate that because of one song i spiralled into a 3-month long depression. I hate that i couldn't go on the French Exchange with the rest of my class. I hate when people don't answer text messages. I hate that i can't live up to my Dad's expectations, and play an instrument. I hate that my sister is well able to, but chooses not to. I hate that my sister is sometimes too lazy to walk across the room. I hate that i don't call her a lazy bitch because of it. I hate that most girls don't like virgins. I hate every instance in cinema, television or print where someone has their boyfriend or girlfriend stolen. I hate that i can't remember film quotes properly. I hate that i'm abandoning college in the futile attempt at finding personal happiness. I hate the fact that that is never going to happen. I hate that i have uncertainties about what i should do. I hate that the stuff i took out of my fridge is getting warm because i haven't eaten it yet. I hate that my head is so messed up right now i've filled two whole pages with stuff i hate. I hate that it takes at least two weeks for the meds to work properly. I hate that i can't write any more stuff in my christmas letters. I hate that the envelopes i made look wonky. I hate that the Harry Potter films are so shit. I hate that my parents seem so happy with each other the whole time. I hate that i've started every sentence so far with the words I hate. I hate that i now have Placebo and the Verve stuck in my head. I hate that i can't talk to people because of different time zones. I hate that i talk to people too much, and overdo it. I hate that all this anger is spilling it. I hate that i hate so so many things. I hate that i'm going to feel really embarrassed after i post this. I hate i feel embarrassed when i tell girls they're pretty. I hate that i can't fantasise about anyone i know too well. I hate that in that one Powerglove song they hit the same wrong note in all five verses. I hate that i don't know any languages besides english. I hate that i'm too nervous to talk to people most of the time. I hate that i never made friends in college. I hate that it's too cold to go out at the minute. I hate that i can't use aircraft. I hate that i'm nowhere near the top of my class anymore. I hate that i'm too nervous to move around with my camera on. I hate that i can't make inappropriate jokes properly. I hate that i always miss when things are mentioned as a joke. I hate that i don't have enough creativity to make a proper mix cd. I hate every joke i've made that's fallen like a lead balloon. I hate that i'm hungry and thirsty right now. I hate that when i go to bed i won't be able to sleep for ages. I hate that Pluto isn't a planet any more. I hate that i haven't finished Fallout 3. I hate that when i was 9 i had such a big panic attack on Halloween, that i couldn't go around as Freddy Kreuger. I hate that i still remember fracturing my school on the front door when i was 6. I hate that i can't lose weight. I hate that i can't increase my strength. I hate that when everyone else was enjoying their teens i was either recovering from surgery, in a dark depression or holed up in my room like a recluse because i didn't want to be seen outside. I hate that i haven't put paragraphs in this blog. I hate that i actually consider this a blog. I hate that i can't get out of my current dark mood. I hate that these dark moods are so frequent. I hate that the Catholic Church covered up so much horrific doings. I hate that the are still integrated into the Irish government. I hate that a lot of the i's in this blog aren't capitalised. I hate that Bill Hicks died. I hate that the end of Norwegian Wood was so sad. I hate that it took me so long to read it. I hate that i don't have the resolve or attention to read any more. I hate that i'm never going to use the degree i've spent two years on. I hate that i'm not going to finish my degree. I hate that i don't have the time and resolve to both finish my degree and find happiness for myself. I hate that the scars on my arm and hand are still there. I hate that i can't carry on a proper, serious conversation for very long. I hate that i've never had the chance to have a serious conversation in person. I hate that sometimes my parents are passive-aggressive. I hate that i can't find the disc for Halo 2. I hate that i have to talk myself for ages before sending someone a friend request. I hate that i'm too nervous to add a lot of people on facebook. I hate that i'm too intimidated to talk to half the people i'd like to. I hate that i find it so difficult to flirt.

I love that my anger is fading. I love that i feel comfortable enough to vent all this on my blog. I love that my friends here won't judge me because of it

here's the blog i deleted earlier: