wildseven

Well, well, well it's blog time again. And not the good kind. Yay (obviously sarcastic)! I met a great friend over SG and we've been talking all week. But still, somehow, i still come out of it feeling like a sack of shit. For no conceivable reason this time. This week, comparatively, has been excellent! Everything's gone to plan! I'm better friends with my friends here. College is picking up. I've made an excellent friend I've got bucket loads in common with. Best it's been in a long time, but still. Something's slightly nagging at me. Maybe I've gotten too greedy. Maybe because it's been going so well for the past while, my brain needs more good stuff to be happy? Maybe I've come to expect this type of brilliance all the time? I should've known it was too good to be true. I don't know at all.

I've even overlapped my SG sphere and Facebook sphere a little. Common friends! But still my brain won't stop acting up on me. Putting dark-skewed slants on all my thoughts and senses. Almost like an unconscious paranoia. If somebody says something slightly ambiguous, i'll immediately leap to the worst possible meaning that could be attributed to what was said. I just don't get it. My thinking just seems all foggy too. Like cotton-wool or something filling up my head. I've been venting a lot of this, but still it seems to keep coming from somewhere. I mean at the minute my life could be far, far worse, but this time i've been dealt a pretty good hand. And it helps so, so much, but still i end up here. Writing stupid blogs. Even though i have a great new friend, perfectly willing to hear my bullshit. Typical. Can never be happy with what i've got.

I don't see how my life can get any better, but still. But still when it dips slightly it just keeps dipping. Goes down and down, spiralling almost to the very bottom, before it skyrockets again, up to an even greater height than before. But then that just makes the spiral back down all the worse. I'm even thinking that maybe cutting out the good stuff would stop the whole thing. Better to be at a constant 5 than alternating between 0 and 10. That's the way I see it anyway. Being really happy, and feeling popular and wanted for some of the time is beyond fantastic, but is it really worth the rest of the bad stuff that invariably follows? I think that because of the peaks in my mood, the dips are becoming bigger and bigger and are taking longer to get out of? I can think of about a billion maths analogies, but i won't subject anyone to THAT horror

Got some really bad news the other day, so maybe that might be the reason this time. I know a 15 year old boy who died last Thursday night. Really sad news. And the amount of this type of sad news over the past two years is what made me want to join SG and expand my, somewhat limited, horizons. Looking for some of the most important things in life, that i shrugged away during my teen years. I don't think cutting out the good stuff is the way. If i did that i'd never get to do anything. Sure the depths are bad, and more regular, but if i didn't have them, then the peaks wouldn't mean as much. It's just that the constant up and down gets frustrating