Dear Dog & Cat...
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture).
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually
come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using
friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest
fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars or
college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children!
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture).
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually
come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using
friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest
fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars or
college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children!
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
But for my cats I have to add "I am not interested in looking at your ass. I know you are very proud of it, but just because I scratch your back does not mean I want you backing up into my face. Thanks."