wigglefree

I had a true nightmare last night. In every sense of the word. Where fear soaks you in out of this daydream that things will be ok. The most terrible truths are facts, and what you dont know is important and overwhelming. Leaving you stupid and unfamiliarly vulnerable. I dreamed I was out with a disabled friend of mine on a walk. When we returned to the house I saw his sister had killed herself by hanging herself off the back porch over a Japanese stile hot tub. She killed herself because we were late and she put that together with other matters and the combined force broke her grip. She was in a kimono; I could not see her face. Her feet were red with dependent lividity and there was a rusty pink suicide note sticking out of her kimono. The horror of sitting next to her hanging body and wondering what to do was so real. I could not touch her suicide note out of fear of what it might say. It was as though she had reached a horrible and mysterious conclusion, made a decision based on that conclusion. And the conversation was now over, forever.

The dream evolved, and later the girl who had killed her self was instead my first girlfriend. I did check her suicide note and it was the usernames and passwords of every online account she had. It was actually kind of comforting. The message seemed to be I may not have wanted to live, but I want you to know who I was.