widow

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! woop! woop!

shit this last week has been INSANE. the end. or not quite. kinda. ok life keeps trickling...

so I'm writing this book on my first and only ever female lover/love. Her name is Charlotte.

So I'm merrily going along editing all the material I have on her and my life and then I'm like..hmm there are far too many questions left unanswered without running it all by her. So I'm going to call her. In New Zealand. But I havent talked to her in a year, and before that we hadnt talked for three years. Furthermore I'm nervous about calling because her girlfried of five years is super sensitive and they are both obsessively (in the truest sense of the word) protective over one another...and Char's girlfriend, Steph, doesn't let her out much to play. So do I really call her?

I take the easy way out and call her cellphone. At least then I *probably* wont get her girlfriend picking up and thinking I'm a horribly icky woman about to capture her one and only love in this black hole of a world...(I dont think the world is a black hole - Steph does though I think...very gothic, more so than even my old best friends..but then again to be honest i know aboslutely nothing about Steph whatsover. anyway - i digress.)

Char picks up her phone(!) and I say 'hi'. That's it. She knows who it is immediately (joy!) and says, "Ahh...helloo..."

We proceed to have a 1 hour and 38 minute conversation. Wow. 1 hour and 38 minutes. Rock on. We talk about everything that's been going on with us...including the fact that she broke up with Steph a year ago. A year ago!

and there go my emotions...right out from underneathe all those autumn leaves that that old lady refuses to throw away. So I get off the phone more elated than expected (where did that come from?) and then I crash. hard. so many thoughts swirl through my mind and i have this overwhelming tear-fest dedicating to the longing I feel to be with her again. Not in a sexual way (oh no..that'd be wrong especially with how much I love my fiancee) but in a very deep, sincere familial sort of way. She's the only one from my past other than my parents that know of all the stupid fucked up things I've done and still accepts me. We hardly talk because we loved each other so much it hurt, and the fact that 'society' (and holly's fears) didn't let us be together we needed to be a part to breathe. I've loved her all this time and I want her in my life! ...although over the last couple of days (and one very soppy phone call to her later) I've had to come to terms with the fact that she's just in a different place. *sighs melodramatically*

I must learn how to write my book about our relationship without becoming so emotionally invested that I split myself in two every-now-and-then. So I'll do it..and have done it, and now its a FUCKING BEAUTIFUL DAY here in Austin and I LOVE IT and want to run around and make love to nature (er?) but yes. I also had a kick ass rocking new chick friend come and stay over last night and she fucking rocks. ha. she doesn't apologize for who she is at all, which is a huge lesson for me to learn.

I've always been more into not offending other people than I am truly into screwing people over with damnation..there's a balance.

anyway, many sleeps - about three - have made me forget the pain that welled up in me from missing char so dearly much. Life will do what it shall do, and I shall write my book, and publish it, and sell it, and it shall be my tribute to her. My most important...hmm. havent yet decided on a proper noun for her.

eep! ive written a lot. thanks for reading..as always. *bows*

holly.