wickedsillyness

the amount of time's i've come home or back to my room or something and looked at the clock and seen the time 1:43 is beyond me... i think everyone has some time that they see on the clock over and over and it's mostly coincidence... i guess that time/combination of numbers pretty much sum up my life... my moods, temperments, feelings... they all revolve around some form of love... whether it be me seeking out love, me loving something or someone, me getting over a lost love...

i don't understand why i always come up dry in this... i confuse myself into thinking and feeling certain things for the sake of sanity, and in the end it makes me more insane... at this point in my life, i'll just keep trying to convince myself that there's no purpose in me loving, because honestly, there isn't... i always need to love someone to validate some part of my life or personality or something... i fall in and out of love so quickly, and then there's those times i don't and i let those people hold so much more in my eyes than i should... they're just people... they're no better than i am, but why do i just view them so highly? am i not only setting myself up to be let down? the worst is convincing myself i'm past some feelings for someone and then it's like "ZOOM, i'm back"... the most terrible thing is garnering these feelings that run my life so much just in the matter of a conversation... it's my greatest fault, though it might be a strength... i mean, i just put my entire self out there on the whim of a conversation, you can see what i'm vulnerable for very easily because you're in the position to be able to see that... if it scares you away, i'm obviously hurt by it but it won't kill me... none of this really kills me... i mean, i really won't kill myself over a girl... but it can turn into just like, a snowball effect, i guess... i really wouldn't mind killing myself, and i know i always say that so i'm repeating it a lot, but i think if i died right now i'd be fine... honestly, this is the best point in my life to die... i havn't really had to go through the hardships i will be going through in life, but those hardships aren't even exciting... ooo, paying bills... anything coming from this point on in my life is completely menial and pointless... i'd be falling into some certain societal mold, and i don't really wanna do that, but BECAUSE i would like to operate against the grain, i'll catch shit for it and have to go through more mud than others will...

i'm in a horrible mood... i had a headache at the show, the amount of people there was just under my breaking point... by the end of the night i had to become a recluse in a corner... but at least i got to talk to katie, krissy and ALICIA... i was incredibly excited to see her, way more excited than i appeared, and i felt bad for not being more... not socialible, but more outgoing that i was excited... also, i got to talk to a completely shitfaced savino for 5-10 minutes... i couldn't understand half the shit he was saying... also, i got to talk to heather for a while from the board, that was fun... also napone was there, and a few comments he made was wicked creepy, though incredibly hilarious, haha...

yeah... i miss someone alot right now, and it's really stupid, so i'm going to stop...