whitness

40 approaches. fast. Never really thought I would see this one. Figured the way I was living I would be lucky to see thirty. I struggled with it at first. Thought to myself...man, i am really geting old. I get called sir sometimes. I find myself the oldest in the crowd often. But alas it is all good. i look at my life and I am not doing so bad. Still recovering financially from the marraige and subsequent demise of said union. But starting to see some light. My time with my children is not as much but the quality of our time together is ten times as good. My happiness with myself is still a work in progress but its getting there. Still too much of me for my liking. Need to exercise more b/c I don't seem to be willing to lower my intake. Life is too good to diet. Mentally I am still too high maintenance for my liking but im working on it. Emotionally I am at a high time in my life. My children and I love each other deeply and openly. My famaily and I have somewhat reconnected. But most of all Ammie has filled my life with love and happiness and smiles galore. She is so precious to me. nothing makes me happier than spending time with her. Spiritually I feel fine. Still talk to the lord above on occasion. he knows where I am. I think hes OK with my life and how I am living it. Not perfect but I dont think he expects perfection. My opinion. I thought tonight on the way home that I might want to find a close episcopal church and some sunday see if I can stil walk through the door. Can't hurt.

A year ago about this time I wrote in my journal that all I wanted at this time in my life was peace. A year later I feel very close to that goal. I am happy with who I am. I am smart enough. I am young enough. To do whatever I dream is still within my grasp. To be who i want to be is still attainable. I am closer than ever before in my life to real peace.

Something happened recently. It was a beautiful event. One that I thought i would not witness in real life. Seeing it, or at least part of it put to rest something that had been gnawing at me for some time. Now I am at peace with it. I like this fact. I am wiser because of it. I am still excited and intrigued by it but it does not possess me as it did. it is good. I thank my baby for that.

Well, time to crash. Another busy, full day tomorrow. All my days seem to be full. I must like it that way. Goodnight and I wish everyone in the world happy dreams and peaceful sleep.