Story of the day.............................
What does it mean when you don't know what kind of mood you are in??
One minute I think I am happy, and the next I feel sad
Pete had to go out into the field yesterday and will be back tonight but last night as I sat here by myself I just started to cry for no apparent reason for a good 15 minutes
I couldn't tell you why either 
I have been averaging about 2 hours of sleep a night right now and that is after not being able to sleep until around 3-4 am At first I thought it might be due to Petes snoring
but last night I had the bed to myself and yet I ended up finally crashing on the couch watching Harry Potter until 4 am
There are tons of things that are stressing me out that I seem to have no control over so I know that alot of this is probably the culprit but I am getting annoyed
I am slowly losing any piece of independance I ever had and it is eating away at me. I know it isn't permament but it still bothers me.
Money issues are scaring me since I haven't had to worry about it all that much in the last several years. Right now though - I am truely scared to the point where I am starting to get sick over it. I know that this will deminish once I am able to start working but I feel that I have placed a huge burden over Pete since he has had to assume financial responsability for all of my bills etc until I am legal to work. So far we are barely keeping our heads above water
Alas - the last thing that I know is bothering me that I am trying to put out of my head. On January 22 it will have been exactly a year that we lost our baby I have been trying to keep busy to try and push past it but I know it will always be there. Doesn't help that it is also the one year birthday of my cousins baby that was an accidental pregnancy. I of all people should know that it isn't the kids fault for being born but I will always hold some resentment towards that little girl and I am ashamed of my feelings
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!
I can't believe how emotional and girly I have gotten since releasing from the miltiary. I gotta get my work visa soon so that I can do somthing about this and get back into a uniform quick before I start gardening, baking and sewing
Well - after that rant all I can say is:
*UpDate*
Pete just called to let me know that there was a change in plans and he was called back to the field which means another lonely night I hate when I get my hopes up all day that he will be home only to have it ripped out from under me at the last minute.
Plus - the straw that broke the camels back :
We have been trying for a year now to get pregnant again (and think that we actually suceeded twice with heartbreaking results - but without actual medical confirmation) and this month I really thought that this was it. Alas - we are still not having any luck I just wanna rip my heart out. All I want right now is a hug and I can't even drive off the base to my closest relatives to get one because I am not able to drive (and my car can't leave the base anyways) My eyes are so tired from crying. I really thought that I had it all together but with some of the feelings I am having, I know it isn't the case. I'm almost at the breaking point - I'm ready for shit to stop and things to turn around. If not - I fear the results.
*Update #2*
Well - it's almost 2100hrs and Pete STILL isn't home He must be busy out in the field because I didn't even get a call this time Of course I know that he won't always be able to call when he is doing this kind of stuff but it doesn't help my down sort of feeling.
I talked with my sister today and I am seriously considering going home for a while in order to make a little money to pay my bills since Pete isn't even making enough to cover our bills here thanks to Uncle Sam It is a huge risk since my immigration paper work isn't finalized yet and I may not be able to come back but I am almost to the point of having no choice Am I crazy for even considering?? I don't wanna risk not being able to come home to my husband but I also don't wanna run the risk of either having bill collectors at my door or going bankrupt I thought that 2008 was suppose to bring nothing but good things for us this year but so far I feel as though the world isn't ready for that yet 
What does it mean when you don't know what kind of mood you are in?? One minute I think I am happy, and the next I feel sad
Pete had to go out into the field yesterday and will be back tonight but last night as I sat here by myself I just started to cry for no apparent reason for a good 15 minutes
I couldn't tell you why either I have been averaging about 2 hours of sleep a night right now and that is after not being able to sleep until around 3-4 am
At first I thought it might be due to Petes snoring but last night I had the bed to myself and yet I ended up finally crashing on the couch watching Harry Potter until 4 am There are tons of things that are stressing me out that I seem to have no control over so I know that alot of this is probably the culprit but I am getting annoyed
I am slowly losing any piece of independance I ever had and it is eating away at me. I know it isn't permament but it still bothers me.
Money issues are scaring me since I haven't had to worry about it all that much in the last several years. Right now though - I am truely scared to the point where I am starting to get sick over it. I know that this will deminish once I am able to start working but I feel that I have placed a huge burden over Pete since he has had to assume financial responsability for all of my bills etc until I am legal to work. So far we are barely keeping our heads above water
Alas - the last thing that I know is bothering me that I am trying to put out of my head. On January 22 it will have been exactly a year that we lost our baby
I have been trying to keep busy to try and push past it but I know it will always be there. Doesn't help that it is also the one year birthday of my cousins baby that was an accidental pregnancy. I of all people should know that it isn't the kids fault for being born but I will always hold some resentment towards that little girl and I am ashamed of my feelings WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!
I can't believe how emotional and girly I have gotten since releasing from the miltiary. I gotta get my work visa soon so that I can do somthing about this and get back into a uniform quick before I start gardening, baking and sewing
Well - after that rant all I can say is:
*UpDate*
Pete just called to let me know that there was a change in plans and he was called back to the field which means another lonely night
I hate when I get my hopes up all day that he will be home only to have it ripped out from under me at the last minute. Plus - the straw that broke the camels back
:We have been trying for a year now to get pregnant again (and think that we actually suceeded twice with heartbreaking results - but without actual medical confirmation) and this month I really thought that this was it. Alas - we are still not having any luck
I just wanna rip my heart out. All I want right now is a hug and I can't even drive off the base to my closest relatives to get one because I am not able to drive (and my car can't leave the base anyways) My eyes are so tired from crying. I really thought that I had it all together but with some of the feelings I am having, I know it isn't the case. I'm almost at the breaking point - I'm ready for shit to stop and things to turn around. If not - I fear the results.*Update #2*
Well - it's almost 2100hrs and Pete STILL isn't home
He must be busy out in the field because I didn't even get a call this time Of course I know that he won't always be able to call when he is doing this kind of stuff but it doesn't help my down sort of feeling.I talked with my sister today and I am seriously considering going home for a while in order to make a little money to pay my bills since Pete isn't even making enough to cover our bills here thanks to Uncle Sam
It is a huge risk since my immigration paper work isn't finalized yet and I may not be able to come back but I am almost to the point of having no choice Am I crazy for even considering?? I don't wanna risk not being able to come home to my husband but I also don't wanna run the risk of either having bill collectors at my door or going bankrupt I thought that 2008 was suppose to bring nothing but good things for us this year but so far I feel as though the world isn't ready for that yet VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
Okay, you are used to being a busy, independent, active human. Of course you are going to be upset and worry too much if you have too much time on your hands. This will all get better when you start working and doing more. And DO NOT worry about being a financial "burden" on Pete--you gotta get used to this married thing--it's not just you, it's a partnership. Would you feel like Pete was being a burden if your roles were reversed? I didn't think so, so just stop that line of thinking right now.
I am completely sympathetic to the stress that sitting around waiting induces--I hate it. But you're going to be okay and just keep telling yourself that.
MORE HUGS!!
Chin up!