He fucking knew what he was doing and that excurse of getting scared is old and cliched. I fucking hurt. He didn't even have the guts to tell me - i saw it.
The last words were
Him: I will see you later
Me: No you won't
Overly dramatic I know but I didn't know what else to say. I did not yell or scream or behave in an otherwise immature fashion. I handled the situation with grace and aplomb (i like that word) I have 3 months worth of crying and sadness coming out. i let my guard down for 5 seconds and this is what happens - he said he was scared about the fact I had been married before (bullshit) and that he really liked me and that scared him too. I told him if he just wanted to have a good time then he should have said so. But he didn't see me cry. I feel like a pathetic excuse for a woman. But dammit he didn't see me get upset or cry. And the whole time this other chick was rubbing his leg.
He pursued me. Not the other way around. Maybe that is why I fell for the bullshit.
I am so fucked up. The last week has done nothing but fill me with memories of Cameron - people asking me how he is and teling me how fucked up and bitter he has been acting. I have been trying to move past it all and then I get slapped in the damn face by the first guy I actually liked.
I am going to pour myself into books and school just like i do when i don't want to cope with reality. But I can console myself with the fact that he will think about me and I am sure I will get a call from him and by then I will be done with it. He will have blown it - just like Cameron did.
I feel dirty. Yes right now I am drunk and I really just want someone here to hold me. I feel so alone.
I feel so alone. And I let myself feel this way. I feel with everything I am and when I get hurt it's bad. I Tomorrow I will be better. And the next day better yet. But right now I just hurt - I hurt for everything that I have not let myself feel for the past three months. I fucking hate you. I FUCKING HATE YOU.
And the worst part - I don't know if I amtalking to myself or Cameron.
I think it is time to start taking the zoloft. I have been doing things so out of character for me. And i haven't cared. I just want the hurt to stop. Somebody just hold me - right now. Don't expect anythin from me - just hold me.
The last words were
Him: I will see you later
Me: No you won't
Overly dramatic I know but I didn't know what else to say. I did not yell or scream or behave in an otherwise immature fashion. I handled the situation with grace and aplomb (i like that word) I have 3 months worth of crying and sadness coming out. i let my guard down for 5 seconds and this is what happens - he said he was scared about the fact I had been married before (bullshit) and that he really liked me and that scared him too. I told him if he just wanted to have a good time then he should have said so. But he didn't see me cry. I feel like a pathetic excuse for a woman. But dammit he didn't see me get upset or cry. And the whole time this other chick was rubbing his leg.
He pursued me. Not the other way around. Maybe that is why I fell for the bullshit.
I am so fucked up. The last week has done nothing but fill me with memories of Cameron - people asking me how he is and teling me how fucked up and bitter he has been acting. I have been trying to move past it all and then I get slapped in the damn face by the first guy I actually liked.
I am going to pour myself into books and school just like i do when i don't want to cope with reality. But I can console myself with the fact that he will think about me and I am sure I will get a call from him and by then I will be done with it. He will have blown it - just like Cameron did.
I feel dirty. Yes right now I am drunk and I really just want someone here to hold me. I feel so alone.
I feel so alone. And I let myself feel this way. I feel with everything I am and when I get hurt it's bad. I Tomorrow I will be better. And the next day better yet. But right now I just hurt - I hurt for everything that I have not let myself feel for the past three months. I fucking hate you. I FUCKING HATE YOU.
And the worst part - I don't know if I amtalking to myself or Cameron.
I think it is time to start taking the zoloft. I have been doing things so out of character for me. And i haven't cared. I just want the hurt to stop. Somebody just hold me - right now. Don't expect anythin from me - just hold me.
junebug:
i'm sorry... 
*hugs*
*hugs*