I go see my doctor today. That is going to be emotionally exhausting. Not really prepared to go through that. I have been going through it for the past few months and now I need help as I cannot function this way much longer. I am still in self-destruct phase. Kyle is going to be my roommate. I need the company. He has been glued to my hip lately and I don't mind. I need something to keep me occupied. Plus, he has most excellent taste in music and makes me laugh. He helps make the voices stop in my head.
I am on my way to being over Cameron. I feel a dull ache as that is all I will let myself feel. I have also discovered that I cannot have an orgasm unless I love the guy. Not sure how that one works so go figure. Today is rainy and depressing. It's getting to me. I have been trying to get caught up in school. I am still losing weight. One thing at a time I suppose. I am not really lonely as Kyle is always with me. I really enjoy his company and he doesn't seem to mind. We had the talk about not falling in love with each other. I don't think I will be capable for a while. It's just nice to have someone who gives a shit.
I ran into a girl the other day who goes up to Sully's. She said Cameron is still making an ass of himself and people think he is a joke. I have gotten to where I don't care. He is not the person who I fell in love with. But I loved that boy more than I have ever loved anyone. I gave everything I was. But he will never really amount to anything or anyone that will be close to deserving me. He is a bartender. Period. He will always be a child. He can rationalize it however he wants but what he did was selfish and wrong. He will forever regret it. Yeah-karma is a bitch.
I am thinking about taking a road trip for spring break. I will have a few days and I need some time away. TheBurningRed has offered to let me visit her in sunny Florida. I am entertaining this as a possibility. It will be a long drive but I would spring for a rental car-maybe a convertible. I need to do things for me. The last 2 and a half years was never about me. I am starting to feel pity for him.
Kyle did make an interesting point. At least I saw his true colors and hers. It's great. Everyone now knows what a total gutter slut she is. My own little satisfaction.
I re-dyed my hair. I did it myself. Not too bad. Not as red as it was the first time but better than faded pink.
I realize that I still have Cameron's Othello board. Spoils of war. If he can replace me so easily than he can get his happy ass to wal-mart and buy a new one. I am turning into a total bitch. I don't mind so much- people think I am funny.
So...I have good company to make me laugh and keep me from doing stupid shit. I am getting sex frequently - good sex too. I am getting my school work together. My kids are doing well. Things are starting to look up. I just try to not notice the empty space where I use to be.
I don't cry anymore. I just have nightmares. He has no idea what he did to me. I will never let him see that. Hell, if I can go the rest of my time here without seeing him -I will be a happy woman.
Okay- snobby bitch coming out- warning- why would I ever want to associate with a low class,lying,asshole,whore bartender? I wouldn't. I knew I should have dated that investment broker. He really will never be anything more than a bartender. And I mean it this time. And he knows it too. That's why he is so scared.
Okay- no more. Just this doctor visit has got be thinking about all this shit anyway. Plus, I didn't sleep much last night. I am kinda hungry though. YEAH!!!! Macaroni Grille. Mushroom Ravioli rocks.
You know what - no one will ever be me. I am one of a kind. You will never forget that. So...there. By the way, you left bruises on my arms you fucking asshole. They are still there. THAT will not be forgotten. Bruises in anger are never okay.
I am 5 today.
I am on my way to being over Cameron. I feel a dull ache as that is all I will let myself feel. I have also discovered that I cannot have an orgasm unless I love the guy. Not sure how that one works so go figure. Today is rainy and depressing. It's getting to me. I have been trying to get caught up in school. I am still losing weight. One thing at a time I suppose. I am not really lonely as Kyle is always with me. I really enjoy his company and he doesn't seem to mind. We had the talk about not falling in love with each other. I don't think I will be capable for a while. It's just nice to have someone who gives a shit.
I ran into a girl the other day who goes up to Sully's. She said Cameron is still making an ass of himself and people think he is a joke. I have gotten to where I don't care. He is not the person who I fell in love with. But I loved that boy more than I have ever loved anyone. I gave everything I was. But he will never really amount to anything or anyone that will be close to deserving me. He is a bartender. Period. He will always be a child. He can rationalize it however he wants but what he did was selfish and wrong. He will forever regret it. Yeah-karma is a bitch.
I am thinking about taking a road trip for spring break. I will have a few days and I need some time away. TheBurningRed has offered to let me visit her in sunny Florida. I am entertaining this as a possibility. It will be a long drive but I would spring for a rental car-maybe a convertible. I need to do things for me. The last 2 and a half years was never about me. I am starting to feel pity for him.
Kyle did make an interesting point. At least I saw his true colors and hers. It's great. Everyone now knows what a total gutter slut she is. My own little satisfaction.
I re-dyed my hair. I did it myself. Not too bad. Not as red as it was the first time but better than faded pink.
I realize that I still have Cameron's Othello board. Spoils of war. If he can replace me so easily than he can get his happy ass to wal-mart and buy a new one. I am turning into a total bitch. I don't mind so much- people think I am funny.
So...I have good company to make me laugh and keep me from doing stupid shit. I am getting sex frequently - good sex too. I am getting my school work together. My kids are doing well. Things are starting to look up. I just try to not notice the empty space where I use to be.
I don't cry anymore. I just have nightmares. He has no idea what he did to me. I will never let him see that. Hell, if I can go the rest of my time here without seeing him -I will be a happy woman.
Okay- snobby bitch coming out- warning- why would I ever want to associate with a low class,lying,asshole,whore bartender? I wouldn't. I knew I should have dated that investment broker. He really will never be anything more than a bartender. And I mean it this time. And he knows it too. That's why he is so scared.
Okay- no more. Just this doctor visit has got be thinking about all this shit anyway. Plus, I didn't sleep much last night. I am kinda hungry though. YEAH!!!! Macaroni Grille. Mushroom Ravioli rocks.
You know what - no one will ever be me. I am one of a kind. You will never forget that. So...there. By the way, you left bruises on my arms you fucking asshole. They are still there. THAT will not be forgotten. Bruises in anger are never okay.
I am 5 today.