whiteiris

You know how somedays you just don't feel like talking much. Today was one of those days. Well, my friend and I decided to just be friends - just with no sex - which sucks because it was great but i need a friend more than i need a fuck buddy. i am just so lonely. i mean - really. i have lost so much weight that my clothes are falling off me. I try to eat but food makes me sick. All I want is a little peace. I want the cacauphony of voices and noises to stop. I want my broken heart to mend. I want to be able to feel like I can trust someone instead of being so guarded.

I try to put forward a pretty face and be okay with the way things are and not sound like a whiny bitch all the time. But I realized that in a span of 4 months my entire life has been ripped inside out. Everything i knew I know no longer. I have no idea who I am anymore. I know I should use this time to find that out but I don't think I would like who i am right now. I am such an emotional rollercoaster and my attention span doesn't work for shit. I don't sleep or eat. I think I am getting a UTI (like ya really wanna know) because I don't drink anything to flush out any toxins in my body. I try - i really do because I realize that if anything happened to me - my boys would have no one. But i am sinking deeper and deeper into a depression that I cannot seem to pull myself out of. I have an appointment with my doctor next week. Last time all I needed was a few months of help to get through and then I was fine. This time it is a little worse but I need some help. At least I am willing to admit it. My functionality as a human is at an all time low. I want to hole myself in my closet and let the world pass me by some days.

My friend and I spent some time together today and I was fine. I think right now I just cannot be alone. I need constant company. A little co-dependent yes - and I am not normally like that but when I have people around - I have a little bit of peace inside my head. I listen to their voices and not the ones inside my head - telling me how i am fucking up at school and how useless i feel. How i am letting myself go to shit and i am putting myself in debt.

I just want somone to hold me and love me and be there with me. I know I am wanting what most people want - so in that I am not so unique. My life makes no sense right now. I thought it did and it doesn't. I am tired of being sad but I can't seem to help it. I wish I had some kind of machine that could erase memories.

I am home right now. I don't feel like this is my home anymore. I think I have said enough for now. i need to pull myself together and pick up my boys.