Why is every question that needs to be asked the ones that the answer is I don't know? I am really tired of thinking about all that happened and all that was said so I will just say that I said my part and now I am just waiting. Waiting to see if the other shoe will drop or if things will be good again.
I am going to bitch for a second and as in my usual fashion I am going to list the things that are good and bad right now.
1. My boyfriend does not seem interested in having sex with me. It is not the orgasm that I want from him - I can do that by myself - it is the closeness and the feeling you get being with someone you love and that loves you that I need. - BAD
2. After the conversation the other day and whatnot I have that terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he is going to break his promise to me. BAD
3. I have my laptop. GOOD
4. I have more money in the bank than I thought. GOOD
5. I did not realize upon doing my booktalk the other day that I needed an outline so I probably got points deducted. BAD
6. The boys are doing well and were complete sweethearts tonight. GOOD
7. I cleaned the ferrets cage and cleaned off my computer desk. GOOD
8. I have had a really bad sudden attack of being really depressed, lonely, and in need of being held like the big baby that I am acting like. BAD
9. I just took 2 xanax ( and I don't like taking pills) becuse I am so sad. BAD
10. I have made mincemeat of my face and arm.
11. I have yet to take pics for my set and today would have been the perfect day. - BAD
I need someone who will curl up with me in the bed and just hold me. I just need to be touched with some sort of affection. I want someone to take me and make love to me with such tenderness I would cry. I want to have someone look at me as if I am the only one in the room.The thing is I don't want just anyone.
I like my life the way it is with him in it. I could date other guys and havea completely different life. I don't want that. He is the perfect compliment to me as I am him. He saw that before and got scared. Everytime things get serious - really serious and really happy it seems - he starts to withdraw and get all confused again.
I keep typing shit and erasing it cause it never sounds right. I am going to wash my face and dry my tears. Tomorrow is another day and maybe just maybe I will find roses on my windshield. If not - I can at least dream about it dammit.
I am going to try and make a concerted effort to at least be in a somwhat better mood. I am just so fucking lonely and the amount of effort it would take to make me feel not so is minimal. A message, a flower, a note, a touch, a kiss, a glance, worshipping my body, I am not picky.
Nah - I won't get any of those.
BY the way - thnk you becky for asking if I was okay.
I hope you are okay as well. I usually spend hours on here but have been so depressed I just want to sleep all the time. I haven't felt much like doing much of anything else. Part of it is I just want to get everything resolved. I hate feeling as if I am in limbo with my fucking heart.
Maybe once I get sleep I will be better. As I said tomorrow is another day. I love that boy so much sometimes it hurts.
I am going to bitch for a second and as in my usual fashion I am going to list the things that are good and bad right now.
1. My boyfriend does not seem interested in having sex with me. It is not the orgasm that I want from him - I can do that by myself - it is the closeness and the feeling you get being with someone you love and that loves you that I need. - BAD
2. After the conversation the other day and whatnot I have that terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he is going to break his promise to me. BAD
3. I have my laptop. GOOD
4. I have more money in the bank than I thought. GOOD
5. I did not realize upon doing my booktalk the other day that I needed an outline so I probably got points deducted. BAD
6. The boys are doing well and were complete sweethearts tonight. GOOD
7. I cleaned the ferrets cage and cleaned off my computer desk. GOOD
8. I have had a really bad sudden attack of being really depressed, lonely, and in need of being held like the big baby that I am acting like. BAD
9. I just took 2 xanax ( and I don't like taking pills) becuse I am so sad. BAD
10. I have made mincemeat of my face and arm.
11. I have yet to take pics for my set and today would have been the perfect day. - BAD
I need someone who will curl up with me in the bed and just hold me. I just need to be touched with some sort of affection. I want someone to take me and make love to me with such tenderness I would cry. I want to have someone look at me as if I am the only one in the room.The thing is I don't want just anyone.
I like my life the way it is with him in it. I could date other guys and havea completely different life. I don't want that. He is the perfect compliment to me as I am him. He saw that before and got scared. Everytime things get serious - really serious and really happy it seems - he starts to withdraw and get all confused again.
I keep typing shit and erasing it cause it never sounds right. I am going to wash my face and dry my tears. Tomorrow is another day and maybe just maybe I will find roses on my windshield. If not - I can at least dream about it dammit.
I am going to try and make a concerted effort to at least be in a somwhat better mood. I am just so fucking lonely and the amount of effort it would take to make me feel not so is minimal. A message, a flower, a note, a touch, a kiss, a glance, worshipping my body, I am not picky.
Nah - I won't get any of those.
BY the way - thnk you becky for asking if I was okay.
I hope you are okay as well. I usually spend hours on here but have been so depressed I just want to sleep all the time. I haven't felt much like doing much of anything else. Part of it is I just want to get everything resolved. I hate feeling as if I am in limbo with my fucking heart.
Maybe once I get sleep I will be better. As I said tomorrow is another day. I love that boy so much sometimes it hurts.
I understand you love him. I know you truly must. But you aren't loving you by doing this to yourself over and over again. YOu need to be strong, even if it's asking a lot of yourself. i know you can't understand why you, and why is he such a prick and all those other mean thoughts in your head. I think you should take a step back and then decide if you are heading in the right direction. You are a BEAUTIFUL
best of luck lovey-
(it took a lot out of me not to put any inpirational quotes here btw)
oh crap heres one: Richard Bach
Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.