I actually made it to class today. Two of my classes were cancelled so I managed to get a lot of errands ran today. I am lonely even in a room full of people. I want to say more but not really. Sometimes I don't ever feel as if I say anything different. I have named my ferrets Itchy and Scratchy.
Only a year and half more and then I get out of here. This place has never been home for me. I was raised here and my family is here but this is not my home and I am not sure where is.
I think I will end up taking pics for my set by myself. I don't think our schedules will ever mesh. I am going to have to get use to doing lots of things by myself. Which is a good thing I suppose. Just it's nice to have company. It will be nice though when we are together that he won't be all pissy. He got snappy with me the other day and I almost told him to fuck off. It took me a while to calm down because I didn't do a fucking thing to him and he started taking his crappy day out on me. But you know me - I'll get over it - I always do.
He never kisses me anymore. It always seems to be something. I just remember when he made me feel as if I were the most beaufitul thing on the planet and how he loved to touch me. Now sometimes it's like I have leprosy. That makes me sad.Things have been better but like I said - it's always something. I sent him a message at 5 this ayem and didn't hear back from him until 6 this evening. He probably went to breakfast with Lindsey again. I don't really want to get into that.
I am going to stop now before I get all whiny. I hate myself for being this way. I am thinking it's the hormones. I may not bleed but I still have my time every month. Maybe if I just stay mad at everything I won't be sad. I would rather be a bitch than a whiny puss.
Do you ever feel as if your life is not your own? I am beginning to be able to see through myself as if I don't exist. I can see through everyone now and I guess I was just the last one.
I need something. I had it and it went missing. I want it back.
Only a year and half more and then I get out of here. This place has never been home for me. I was raised here and my family is here but this is not my home and I am not sure where is.
I think I will end up taking pics for my set by myself. I don't think our schedules will ever mesh. I am going to have to get use to doing lots of things by myself. Which is a good thing I suppose. Just it's nice to have company. It will be nice though when we are together that he won't be all pissy. He got snappy with me the other day and I almost told him to fuck off. It took me a while to calm down because I didn't do a fucking thing to him and he started taking his crappy day out on me. But you know me - I'll get over it - I always do.
He never kisses me anymore. It always seems to be something. I just remember when he made me feel as if I were the most beaufitul thing on the planet and how he loved to touch me. Now sometimes it's like I have leprosy. That makes me sad.Things have been better but like I said - it's always something. I sent him a message at 5 this ayem and didn't hear back from him until 6 this evening. He probably went to breakfast with Lindsey again. I don't really want to get into that.
I am going to stop now before I get all whiny. I hate myself for being this way. I am thinking it's the hormones. I may not bleed but I still have my time every month. Maybe if I just stay mad at everything I won't be sad. I would rather be a bitch than a whiny puss.
Do you ever feel as if your life is not your own? I am beginning to be able to see through myself as if I don't exist. I can see through everyone now and I guess I was just the last one.
I need something. I had it and it went missing. I want it back.
I've always had strange dreams, and even stranger, I am one of those rare people who do not have large muscle paralysis when dreaming. Consequently I have accidently bolted up right and hit some of my bedmates over the past years without me even being aware! Thankfully I do not see this happening, so my flailing is never "on target."
I try not to think too much . . . there is such a thing as too much. It is hard. I believe it is better to be always be the verb, and never the object. Still, sometimes it is so overwheming.
The pic is me trying to convince a Jehova's Witness roommate of mine to get a tattoo a couple of years ago. I painted "Jehova" in ghetto glyph on my stomach to show him what it might look like. I tortured that guy more than I should have. . . but it was all in good fun.
I hope things go better for you with your boy. Relationships used to stress me to all high hell, now being single stresses me to all high hell