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whiteiris

The Black Hole

Member Since 2004

Followers 25 Following 15

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Tuesday Jan 11, 2005

Jan 11, 2005
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Yeah well, whatever. Usually writing here makes me look at the things that bother me and put them into a better perspective so I don't completely lose it. Well, unfortunately last night did not work. I am still really upset. And it is not so much last night but the past week or so. Things have been under so much strain. I understand that relationships are not just about the good times but the bad also. But everyone knows that when the bad start to outweigh the good then it is time to get out. We are quickly coming upon that.

Things were so great before the Edie incident. God it's like I define my life in ways like that now. How pathetic. I mean they were REALLY great. I think a mixture of my rage and hurt and his being fired and losing his place has had something to do with it. I think we would probably both benefit from some alone time. Hell, we usually spend the night together but for the past couple of nights I have left him alone and he seems to be okay with that. I guess he doesn't really care and figures that I will still be here when he gets happy with himself again.

Work is going well. I am gald to be back. Other than being a complete klutz and busting my knee. It is now a pretty shade of green. School starts next week and I find it hard to worry about it. I know that I will do well there. It will be a lot of work but I will do it because i have to. It seems I do a lot of that in my life. Do things because I have to. Not really because I want to. Most times i just want to lay infront of the tv and get fat. fuck the world and fuck everyone in it. but one day i would wake up and realize that i am one of those women who have grown into their couch and die and then have to be surgically removed to be buried.

You know I watch these shows on tv about fat people trying to lose weight. They are given 3 months. It's not really hte show that I want to watch but the 6 months after to see what they are doing now. I loved that show. Where are they now.

I don't want to be sad anymore. It's like everyday I am waiting for a shoe to drop and Cameron to get pissy. He got pissy with me last night when he was getting ready. i forgot to mention that. Since I am sick my ears a re clogged up and I can't hear anything. Imagine working with loud music and a hundred other people and trying to hear your table order. So...anyway, he said something and I didn't hear and asked him what he said and he got pissy. That is not something i really want to be around. Dammit, I am sick. I want someone to hold me and bring me OJ. I guess I am a big baby for wanting that. Yeah, sex would be nice but it's the touching that I want more than anything. But I guess I am asking too much.

I feel so bad for Cameron but what they fuck can I do? I am tired of walking on eggshells around him just waiting for him to snap at me. So again I think I will just leave him alone. I will go away. Not because I want to but again he is making me.

So...yeah, well, whatever.

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