I am so pissed right now I can't even see straight. For the past week or so Cameron has been off. He has been really quiet and not much fun to be around. i know that he is down about the money and the bar but he is bringing it to us and that is not right. I don't think that I let me being sad about other things affect us. I might but I don't think so. he knows that it is.
Anyway, he said he is being quiet because he will start talking about money and he doesn't want to think about it. Okay. Whatever. So...we go to eat - other rather he watches me eat. Get his cat food and a collar, get some cheesecake etc, etc. We come back here and I pack a bit. i had told him that I was going to stay here but I thought about it and I kinda wanted to snuggled up with him. Well, he gets a call - supposedly from Grim - and when I ask if he wants some company he says he is going up to the bar. That Grim had called and asked him to come up there. Now I don't know if he asked him to come work or just to come talk shop. Either way - he didn't mention it until he had to and didn't ask me if I wanted to come. He has been cutting me out again lately and I am not liking it at all. He has been offering to do a lot of thigns lately also - guilty conscience maybe? Like if I need something from my house he will offer to go get it or if I need something from the store or want somehting to eat he will offer to go get it. He is not normally so accomodating so I am suspicious.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU!!!!! My feelings are fucking hurt. As usual he doesn't elaborate or even offer to include me. What the fuck am I supposed to think. I haven't cried in almost 2 months and now I am. I am sick and tired - literally. My legs and knee hurt. The last time we had sex he didn't come and didn't really seem into it. Well, he probably wasn't.
I can tell when he pulls away. He is doing it again. I can't keep going through this. I am trying to be there for him because I know he is having a hard time with life right now but maybe I shouldn't be. I think I will just go for a bit. You asshole. You made me fucking cry again. And you knew the minute you said you were going to the bar that you upset me. FUCK YOU. Not that you were going but that you didn't ask me to go with you and you didn't say anything until you felt you had to. And you didn't go into detail. That is what makes me think you lied. That someone else called you and asked you to come hang out with them down there.
FUCKING LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
it doesn't matter if I went or not just the offer. You know what - I am just going to leave you alone. You are pulling me down into your own private misery and I can't be there anymore. I spent way to long in one of my own to do it again for someone else. You are cutting me out and you fucking know it.
DaMMIT - I am fucking crying. I will lose myself in work and school as I usually do when other things get to where I can't or don';t want to deal with them.
He doesn't even want to touch me. Like he is afraid. And actually you know what. He will touch my boobs and brush across my nipples and that irritates the shit out of me. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard. They are so sensitive and I don't like that. Hell, that is all he really touches anyway. I guess I should be grateful.
Thnigs were so great vefore the Edie shit and now they have gone downhill and fast. Maybe he is going to see her or Lindsay and that is why he didn't invite me.
Thanks for making me feel like I don't matter - hey I should be used to it. You just sit there. I could handle a little bit but not a fucking week. I am going to sleep now. Hope you had fun doing whatever is was you were doing. Thanks for making me feel like you do love me. You are not my fucking errand boy - you are my boyfriend. So - thanks for including me.. Just thanks
DO YOU DETECT THE FUCKING SARCASM. I say all this stuff because you fucking know that it is true. You know what you are doing to me. I know you are depressed but when have I let my depression affect us. When has it gotten to you. One time you said that you feel responsisble for my happiness. Well, you were the one making me unhappy then. You were treating me as if I didn't exist. So - yeah. You know what - fuck this - I am going to bed. This is not worth my tears. Nothing is anymore. I tried to be there and as susual you shut me out and are with me out of oblligation and because you might want me when you are out of your funk.
I don't want to exist anymore. Not if life is going to keep fucking me up like this. I watched a show today about this woman having a baby and how happy she was. That will NEVER be me. No matter how much I might want it. And she had a girl. And the father was just as happy as she was. Maybe that is why I am more upset.
SO - FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME CRY.
Anyway, he said he is being quiet because he will start talking about money and he doesn't want to think about it. Okay. Whatever. So...we go to eat - other rather he watches me eat. Get his cat food and a collar, get some cheesecake etc, etc. We come back here and I pack a bit. i had told him that I was going to stay here but I thought about it and I kinda wanted to snuggled up with him. Well, he gets a call - supposedly from Grim - and when I ask if he wants some company he says he is going up to the bar. That Grim had called and asked him to come up there. Now I don't know if he asked him to come work or just to come talk shop. Either way - he didn't mention it until he had to and didn't ask me if I wanted to come. He has been cutting me out again lately and I am not liking it at all. He has been offering to do a lot of thigns lately also - guilty conscience maybe? Like if I need something from my house he will offer to go get it or if I need something from the store or want somehting to eat he will offer to go get it. He is not normally so accomodating so I am suspicious.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU!!!!! My feelings are fucking hurt. As usual he doesn't elaborate or even offer to include me. What the fuck am I supposed to think. I haven't cried in almost 2 months and now I am. I am sick and tired - literally. My legs and knee hurt. The last time we had sex he didn't come and didn't really seem into it. Well, he probably wasn't.
I can tell when he pulls away. He is doing it again. I can't keep going through this. I am trying to be there for him because I know he is having a hard time with life right now but maybe I shouldn't be. I think I will just go for a bit. You asshole. You made me fucking cry again. And you knew the minute you said you were going to the bar that you upset me. FUCK YOU. Not that you were going but that you didn't ask me to go with you and you didn't say anything until you felt you had to. And you didn't go into detail. That is what makes me think you lied. That someone else called you and asked you to come hang out with them down there.
FUCKING LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
it doesn't matter if I went or not just the offer. You know what - I am just going to leave you alone. You are pulling me down into your own private misery and I can't be there anymore. I spent way to long in one of my own to do it again for someone else. You are cutting me out and you fucking know it.
DaMMIT - I am fucking crying. I will lose myself in work and school as I usually do when other things get to where I can't or don';t want to deal with them.
He doesn't even want to touch me. Like he is afraid. And actually you know what. He will touch my boobs and brush across my nipples and that irritates the shit out of me. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard. They are so sensitive and I don't like that. Hell, that is all he really touches anyway. I guess I should be grateful.
Thnigs were so great vefore the Edie shit and now they have gone downhill and fast. Maybe he is going to see her or Lindsay and that is why he didn't invite me.
Thanks for making me feel like I don't matter - hey I should be used to it. You just sit there. I could handle a little bit but not a fucking week. I am going to sleep now. Hope you had fun doing whatever is was you were doing. Thanks for making me feel like you do love me. You are not my fucking errand boy - you are my boyfriend. So - thanks for including me.. Just thanks
DO YOU DETECT THE FUCKING SARCASM. I say all this stuff because you fucking know that it is true. You know what you are doing to me. I know you are depressed but when have I let my depression affect us. When has it gotten to you. One time you said that you feel responsisble for my happiness. Well, you were the one making me unhappy then. You were treating me as if I didn't exist. So - yeah. You know what - fuck this - I am going to bed. This is not worth my tears. Nothing is anymore. I tried to be there and as susual you shut me out and are with me out of oblligation and because you might want me when you are out of your funk.
I don't want to exist anymore. Not if life is going to keep fucking me up like this. I watched a show today about this woman having a baby and how happy she was. That will NEVER be me. No matter how much I might want it. And she had a girl. And the father was just as happy as she was. Maybe that is why I am more upset.
SO - FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME CRY.