whiteiris

You know I look back at some of the things I write and see how ungrateful I seem sometimes. And maybe not that. I seem to expect the worst. It's easier that way when you get let down because you expected it and didn't get your hopes up and then have them crushed.

I have these thoughts about me and Cameron that I keep to myself because I don't know how to bring them up or don't want to make it seem as if I am unhappy. Well, sometimes I am unhappy but not all the time. The other day we were hanging around the house and I was very happy. I was in that bubble and nothing else seemed to matter. And most of the time when I am unhappy it really doesn't have anything to do with him.

I know a lot of the stuff he says is a joke but sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it is things that he doesn't think will upset me. But other times he is serious and it is hard to tell sometimes which is which. I cannot imagine my life without him. But I still hurt from a lot of the things he has done to me. It is really hard to find your way back when the only way has been burned. But dammit I am trying - I really am.

I want things to be the way they were. I am trying to have enough patience to wait for that. Which is why I don't mention every worry that i have. Sometimes the worries go away on their own. I don't think I pressure him and I don't want to. I want him to do things because he wants to not because I pushed him to. Which is why I keep quiet about a lot of stuff. I know he feels bad about treating me badly and I don't want to keep throwing it up in his face. But I am still working on getting over that and I told him it would not be overnight. I think that makes me a little more sensitive to things.

Things will get better with time. I will stop being so insecure. He will be happier. Things won't be perfect but they will be damn close.