Well, I am going to try and upload a pic of me and my boyfriend. We had a good time this weekend. It was a long weekend though. We were not rushed or anything and it was nice. My mom called me Monday and made me come back to reality and I resent her for that. I am going to start working on schoolwork blah - I have a lot of what I need done I just have to type it up and most of the stuff I haven't done is in my head and I just need to write it down.
I kinda wish he were here tonight but then again I need to the time alone to get school stuff done. I also just kinda want to be alone. He was the nicest he has been to me in a long time. I wasn't sure how to take it. It is as if I am in a dream and I am not sure if I want to wake up or not. I do love him but something is so different inside. I feel the moment I let my guard down again he is going to bail but why even bother being in a relationship if you can't fully trust the other person?
So I have decided (sorta) that I am going to take it one day at a time. With myself and with him. No pressure on myself or him. I do miss him. He was here when I got back from O&P. It was nice him being here. I got to snuggle with him and since I really am just a girly girl inside it was really nice. He seems so frightened sometimes. I am not going anywhere. I just need time. Time to trust him again and time to find out who I am. I know I am part of him but I lost myself in all this. I found myself but when I am with someone I give so much. I don't kow how else to be.
As I said, one day at a time. My life is a fucking soap opera. My surgery is next Wednesday. I am getting scared. I have these images of needles and wires and tubes and it makes me not so happy. My mom said she was going to make me start walking that day and I would come home that day. I said the fuck I will. i want to be in the damn hospital because at least there my fucking phone won't ring with her calling me at 730 in the morning. I can at least get a semblance of peace and being alone. No one wants to fuck with a sick person. Well, I ordered pizza for the boys so I need to get them bathed. I am sure I will update some more. I have been holding so much in for a while and it is startting to want to come out. The ice is thawing.
I kinda wish he were here tonight but then again I need to the time alone to get school stuff done. I also just kinda want to be alone. He was the nicest he has been to me in a long time. I wasn't sure how to take it. It is as if I am in a dream and I am not sure if I want to wake up or not. I do love him but something is so different inside. I feel the moment I let my guard down again he is going to bail but why even bother being in a relationship if you can't fully trust the other person?
So I have decided (sorta) that I am going to take it one day at a time. With myself and with him. No pressure on myself or him. I do miss him. He was here when I got back from O&P. It was nice him being here. I got to snuggle with him and since I really am just a girly girl inside it was really nice. He seems so frightened sometimes. I am not going anywhere. I just need time. Time to trust him again and time to find out who I am. I know I am part of him but I lost myself in all this. I found myself but when I am with someone I give so much. I don't kow how else to be.
As I said, one day at a time. My life is a fucking soap opera. My surgery is next Wednesday. I am getting scared. I have these images of needles and wires and tubes and it makes me not so happy. My mom said she was going to make me start walking that day and I would come home that day. I said the fuck I will. i want to be in the damn hospital because at least there my fucking phone won't ring with her calling me at 730 in the morning. I can at least get a semblance of peace and being alone. No one wants to fuck with a sick person. Well, I ordered pizza for the boys so I need to get them bathed. I am sure I will update some more. I have been holding so much in for a while and it is startting to want to come out. The ice is thawing.