whiteiris

Okay well that didn't go as I had planned. I took pictures with my phone and they were all blurry even though I was still and I tried to upload to my computer and it wouldn't recognize the file. I hate this damn machine. All the more reason to just break gown and get a digicam.

On to brighter topics. The lonliness is setting in. I guess I will get use to it. Sometimes I just want to run outside screaming. I want to slice myself open and watch my heart blood pour onto the ground and laugh when I do it. I want to jump up and down on the bed. I don't know I figured I would throw that in there. No one has any idea that I have these kinds of thoughts. I hide my insanity well. You know I have been so careful to not tread on others feelings all the while they stomp over mine. No more. No more. I am going to look out for myself since no one else will.

Here is the brutal honest truth. I fell in love with a boy. We broke up and we both hurt. We both got back together as we realized we were supposed to be together. He decides that he wants to be alone. After he was the one who wanted to get back together. So now we are putting each other through torture trying to be friends.

Okay so here's the brutal part. He doesn't think he is good enough for me. He loves me but won't let himself. be with me. He apparently feels the need to go off and do something with his life. I can understand that but he should have thought about that before he decided to tell me he "was tired of being lonely". There is so much more to this as it is with any story. Maybe I am saying too much. Who cares? I am sure I will rant about this for a while. Shit hurts.

Have you ever actually felt the ice forming around your heart? Makes you cold, all the time. Hmmm.