But no matter what I said, she wouldn’t listen. All she heard was the lies I made in order to pursue a dream of mine. And I knew she was afraid to hear the truth, too. My dream was more than a dream. And my heart was split between who I love and my sense of duty. My pride and loyalty was being pulled on both sides. And I, as a man, was being split in two.
I was living only half a dream, asking which half is more important to me. To have one, I must give up the other. Too many problems I just don’t know how to solve them. So I turn to God. But what’s the use of it, when hope is gone. Lost but still looking because of faith. So I’m trying to take what’s mine, with only half a mind. Time is the killer. So I’m dying, crying the essence of my soul. The tears like the grains of sand in an hourglass, a countdown to my mental breakdown. So many people have tried to reverse time, trying to bring me out of my personal hell that I have made. A cry for help that goes on barely heard. And to those who listen, have nothing to say. My only means of survival is to make it through the day.
But then the day goes on so slow. Why, instead of making the dawn turn into dusk, time prefers to work against me? I wait, only to become sadder and angrier. Time has tested my patience. It has forced me to focus my thoughts on you… on her.
This heart so fragile weakened the mind, just thought after thought of her. My heart belongs to her, but yet she has taken my mind. No longer had a want, but a need to look into those brown eyes, to touch her caramel toned skin. If I was to go blind or was unable to feel, at least let me hear her voice.
This madness that is you, I focused on one and then ignore the others, to only find myself lost and lonely. I began stumbling in carelessness. It’s a self-made insanity. It’s too much pain that can only be slowly healed by the attention of another.
And what makes this sickness worse is to know she feels the same. To hear her say,” I love you,” makes me want to run to her. I grasp upon those words for dear life. To be without her is to live an artificial death. Her name brings tears to my eyes.
I stare into the darkness looking for that glimmer of light. I’m fighting a simple madness and loosing. Praying would merely ease the pain.
The more I fought this, the more I was loosing it. I needed both because that’s what made me who I was. But if I kept both, I would lose my mind. If I lost one then I lost myself. No matter what, I was simply…
Losing It
Time is slipping,
As the mind is splitting.
The grains of sand in the hourglass…
Representing the pieces of my soul.
It’s tearing me apart!
Why did I start?
Why did I leave?
I sit quietly in the corner,
Pondering a million questions.
Then it stops.
The mind goes blank.
All I hear is the beat of my heart.
Starting off calm,
Then the heart begins to beat faster.
Then faster,
And faster,
And faster…
Then stops,
To remind me to breathe.