whiskeyfightpit

"I Want The One I Can't Have" THE SMITHS

Why doesn't this situation get any easier with age? Shouldn't ten solid years of female indifference and humiliation build up some kind of adamantium exoskeleton that would permit me to not be so sad when this comes around? It's all just as hard as the first time. The only difference is that I'm not bitter towards this particular person as I would have been as a younger man. In fact, I still try to be a good friend. You know, random gifts, cd burns, humorous conversation, compliments, spending time...stuff like that. It's all part of my "self-betterment" phase I've been going through. My philosophy is that American people are trained to be careless, selfish, and lazy. Although someone in your life...family member, co-worker, friend, potential lover, whatever...deals you the "typical person" card...you should take it upon yourself to be the better person. Not in any kind of competition way. Just take the upper hand by understanding their position and treating them with respect and some general kindness anyway. Basically, apply that GOLDEN RULE those wacky christians preach about. I'm trying my hardest to be a good person to this girl and most of the people in my life. I just want people to love the fact that I'm around, I guess.

This girl is something special, though. She's got this Eastern European/young Betty Davis look. She also has an awesome, un-trendy sense of fashion which incorporates homemade clothes and jewelry. She also is a classically trained violist and very handy with the piano and music notation. On top of all that, she's intelligent. And even on top of that she is unpretentious about her intelligence. She has no problem acting childish and having an old fashioned juvenile time. What really ties me up is the fact that she finishes my sarcastic/cynical jokes for me. Any woman who finish my sentences for me has got me eating out of their hand....hands down. I've never met anyone so special in my life.

Back in the beginning of July, I more or less let my feelings known to her. I didn't get heavy about, although I had very strong feelings for her. She was really cool about the fact that I was willing to talk about it and agreed that we had a connection. But she said that she was still getting over her last boyfriend and wasn't really looking for anything at the time. Even though that was a rejection, it wasn't a flat out no. So I still felt pretty happy. Of course, this wasn't the case...which I should have known. A week or so later she asked if one of my more "attractive" friends was single and looking for anyone. He comes into my store periodically to get recommendations on new music. This really hurt my feelings. I can't put into words what that made me feel like. She must not have remembered to cover her tracks or something. I understand the fact that I'm fat and not quite handsome. If she would have said (the par for the course line I've heard every couple of months, from every potential girlfriend/date, since I'v been fourteen) "I just think of you as a friend and wouldn't want to ruin that", it would have been easier to deal with. To flat out lie, and then forget your lie and get caught in it is something that really hurts. For some reason, I'm still a wishful thinker and let it get the best of me sometimes.

Even though I was handed that little slice of hurt, I still treat her just as I had before her mix-up. Maybe that will count for something one day when I'm lining up for judgement. I have been losing a solid amount of weight since June. I'm also going to back to school as an English Major/Journalism Minor this January. Hopefully, I'm on my way to being a good looking writer. It is time I've made some kind of accomplishment in my life besides being a music nerd, musician, and record store manager. Yeah, one day I'm going to be a decent catch and she'll regret passing me up when I was still the Michelin Man. Either way, I've got no malice and I still hope I'm a positive influence on her life...and I will continue to be.

Thanks for listening, gang.

SOUNDTRACK OF THE DAY
"I've Never Had No One Ever" The Smiths