I'm a sham, baby. At least I put all of the cards on the table. All of you SGers can flip up my journal and hear me talking about drugs this and drink that but when it comes down to it..I'm a big fuckin' square in the use department.
Tuesday night found me stumbling across a piece of LSD. Instead of saving it for a band practice or maybe a more enlightened party I just take the fucking thing while hanging out with some regular folks. They are nice people and I'm definetley not an elitist but television and video games are not my idea of a good time. Four years ago this wouldn't have been the case. I believe I was more open to different cataegories of people when it comes to partying. Perhaps I would have made MORE out of a rather dull situation. The last few years have me retreating more into myself and consuming too much in the way of music, books, movies as well as a LACK OF COMMUNICATION. The LSD just brought all of that hermitness right to the surface. I couldn't find anything to say to these people other than the general "Yeah, Uh Huhs" or "Sure, Roseanne is a great show". What horrified me was I saw myself acting in this way from the inside. It was a gross unveiling of what it must be like to be my father and I was petrified. What shook me to my foundation was that one of the girls present was giving off hints that she was into me. It kinda went like this "I wish I had someone like Dan Connor in my life." The only one in this particular life resembing Dan Connor (John Goodman, for the uninitiated) is your truly. The again, this could have been the LSD blowing off-handed comments out of proportion. But, babies, yours truly is one of the few knoble princes in this land of goblins. Any number of conniving gents could have saw this as an opportunity to get some action. And for someone who gets attention from females as often as Haley's Comet passes overhead...this is a massive dinner bell a-ringing. I just couldn't bring myself to play with this persons desire for my own gains. I don't want to hurt her. She just not into the same art & entertainment that I'm into. I believe she's the kind of girl looking for something stable and somewhat permanent and I couldn't offer that to someone who doesn't share my passion for racket and Record Nerd leanings. So I won't try to ride it out at all for just a little sex. No one deserves to feel used like that. Plus she's seeing one of my friends. This is possibly the third time in the last five years that a friend of mine's girlfriend has shown interest in me. But I'm loyal to the end. Even If I only hang out with those people maybe twice or three times a year. I can go to my grave knowing that I treated the people in my life right. Anyone who's even walked that path knows damn well that's all you will get out of it, too....not a thanks or a plaque to put on the wall...just the knowledge that you've done right. Slap that shit on my tombstone. It's my cross. I'll bear the fucker. Maybe I'm just not contemporary. Or maybe I'm a little too much of both the modern hipster twit and the Ward Cleaver and it's gonna doom me to lifetime of monkdom. Maybe some female fan of Teenage Jesus & The Jerks is looking for an All-American gentleman to settle down with. We could take the whole domestication scene and make the best out of it. Instead of the female slaving in the kitchen we could both slave in the kitchen using the utensils as musical instruments making out concept album about Vincent Price movies. Baby, this would be heaven.
Anyway, I think my mind is too far off to pasture for me to use drugs, period. Yeah, it don't sit well to you know you're total asylum material. I'll most likely stick to the Jamesons Irish Whiskey & Amstel Lights. With occasional Hundy Dundy breaks on the ol' corn cob pipe. Maybe my mind is alread set into LSD mode and the addition of the stuff threw the machine into overdrive? Anyone who listens to Merzbow and Scott Walker's TILT probably don't need any doors of perception opened.
SOUNDTRACK OF THE DAY
DESTROYER "THIS NIGHT"
It's fantastic but I only see a slight Bowie resemblance. Truly remarkable. I recommend it to even the wooly-bulliest noise creep.
Tuesday night found me stumbling across a piece of LSD. Instead of saving it for a band practice or maybe a more enlightened party I just take the fucking thing while hanging out with some regular folks. They are nice people and I'm definetley not an elitist but television and video games are not my idea of a good time. Four years ago this wouldn't have been the case. I believe I was more open to different cataegories of people when it comes to partying. Perhaps I would have made MORE out of a rather dull situation. The last few years have me retreating more into myself and consuming too much in the way of music, books, movies as well as a LACK OF COMMUNICATION. The LSD just brought all of that hermitness right to the surface. I couldn't find anything to say to these people other than the general "Yeah, Uh Huhs" or "Sure, Roseanne is a great show". What horrified me was I saw myself acting in this way from the inside. It was a gross unveiling of what it must be like to be my father and I was petrified. What shook me to my foundation was that one of the girls present was giving off hints that she was into me. It kinda went like this "I wish I had someone like Dan Connor in my life." The only one in this particular life resembing Dan Connor (John Goodman, for the uninitiated) is your truly. The again, this could have been the LSD blowing off-handed comments out of proportion. But, babies, yours truly is one of the few knoble princes in this land of goblins. Any number of conniving gents could have saw this as an opportunity to get some action. And for someone who gets attention from females as often as Haley's Comet passes overhead...this is a massive dinner bell a-ringing. I just couldn't bring myself to play with this persons desire for my own gains. I don't want to hurt her. She just not into the same art & entertainment that I'm into. I believe she's the kind of girl looking for something stable and somewhat permanent and I couldn't offer that to someone who doesn't share my passion for racket and Record Nerd leanings. So I won't try to ride it out at all for just a little sex. No one deserves to feel used like that. Plus she's seeing one of my friends. This is possibly the third time in the last five years that a friend of mine's girlfriend has shown interest in me. But I'm loyal to the end. Even If I only hang out with those people maybe twice or three times a year. I can go to my grave knowing that I treated the people in my life right. Anyone who's even walked that path knows damn well that's all you will get out of it, too....not a thanks or a plaque to put on the wall...just the knowledge that you've done right. Slap that shit on my tombstone. It's my cross. I'll bear the fucker. Maybe I'm just not contemporary. Or maybe I'm a little too much of both the modern hipster twit and the Ward Cleaver and it's gonna doom me to lifetime of monkdom. Maybe some female fan of Teenage Jesus & The Jerks is looking for an All-American gentleman to settle down with. We could take the whole domestication scene and make the best out of it. Instead of the female slaving in the kitchen we could both slave in the kitchen using the utensils as musical instruments making out concept album about Vincent Price movies. Baby, this would be heaven.
Anyway, I think my mind is too far off to pasture for me to use drugs, period. Yeah, it don't sit well to you know you're total asylum material. I'll most likely stick to the Jamesons Irish Whiskey & Amstel Lights. With occasional Hundy Dundy breaks on the ol' corn cob pipe. Maybe my mind is alread set into LSD mode and the addition of the stuff threw the machine into overdrive? Anyone who listens to Merzbow and Scott Walker's TILT probably don't need any doors of perception opened.
SOUNDTRACK OF THE DAY
DESTROYER "THIS NIGHT"
It's fantastic but I only see a slight Bowie resemblance. Truly remarkable. I recommend it to even the wooly-bulliest noise creep.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
cool profile...
O.K. I'm pretty weak when it comes to the disires of the flesh. I have hurt a few people in my lifetime because I gave into the temptations of a beautiful girl. But I have learned from them and moved on. I've learned that I just have to be slicker. Just kidding...
Really though, I believe that if two adults are attracted to each other and they BOTH want to do something about it, then it's all good. (unless it involves cheating) We are human beings and a part of being a human is physical attraction to others. And it's ok. And one of the ways we humans express ourselves is by being intimate or physical with someone. And that's ok. I love expressing my passion for another human by being physical with them. And it doesn't always involve the act of sex. And it shouldn't always involve that. But being close to someone you are attracted to is a wonderful thing. And you don't have to be into the same things to express this. If you both agree that an act of 'hooking up' for an evening or a day or whatever doesn't equal a relationship of boyfriend to girlfriend then there is no guilt or pressure of the aftermath.
Now I don't know the details of your situation, but if you say she is dating a friend already then it's obviously an off-limits situation. And you knowing this and not acting on impulse is very admirable indeed.
I used to do lsd alot but I can no longer handle the stuff. I can't be social at all when I'm on it and so instead of just trippin out and diggin' it I worry about what everyone else is thinking and nervous because i can't talk. So it's not for me anymore.
I will say that I hope you meet someone you like who is unattached and into you. Someone who IS on the same page as you. You deserve it!
Take care