I'm probably not human anymore. There isn't anything left but animal instincts and anger. Everything else is long gone. The bad news is that I hear it's really expensive to stay in a mental health facility. I believe I am too empty to be locked away in a criminally insane portion of the department of corrections. The powers that be would just gas me. So killing someone to get out of life is not an option.
I've been trying honestly to figure out what makes me more crazy than anyone else and what parts of me I should have to be human. It's pretty disheartening. I couldn't see myself crying if anyone in my family dies. When acquaintances run into me and slip me the whole "How have you been?" jive I merely say hello and stare at them and wait for them to finish their routine. Saying hello is an empty gesture. I don't care how they've been or where their life is going. They don't even cross my mind. No one really does. Am I crazy? Maybe. But at least I'm being honest.
I don't think it's sane to want to beat and mame the people that cause minor inconvienieces in your life. Maybe I just don't belong around other humans. I think it's a responsibility of the state to be able to have a building where people like me can be locked away. On a scale of one to ten the possibility of me hurting someone or myself is probably around seven. These figures have been rising since I've been seventeen or eighteen years old. Each year I get worse. If this process continues at this rate I should be dead around the age of thirty-three. Unless I move to a country where the mentally ill are cared for by the state before they become violent criminals. Maybe then I'll see middle age. Or if the world finally crumbles and the only rules are the animal kingdom rules. I believe I would thrive in an environment like that.
I guess the main "red flag" concerning my mental health is my disinterest in music, books, and movies over the last month or so. This was the brick wall I could always lean against. When I purchase some records and listen to them I don't get any kind of emotional response. I have no sense of adventure. The collecting process is just numbers and nothing more. Also I think it's pretty sick to have to BUY something in order to feel better. Regardless if it's a misanthrope such as myself buying a Magnetic Fields or Eric Dolphy box set or some empty bitch buying a bunch of Victoria's Secret garb after a hard day of not going to college classes. We're both the same useless creature that shops till we drop.
Maybe my country wants me in prison.
SOUNDTRACK OF THE DAY
There is no soundtrack of the day. I don't have days anymore. Everything is a term. One day, lord willing, my term will be up. Until then, Hell's on earth until your lights get put out and then there is nothing.
I've been trying honestly to figure out what makes me more crazy than anyone else and what parts of me I should have to be human. It's pretty disheartening. I couldn't see myself crying if anyone in my family dies. When acquaintances run into me and slip me the whole "How have you been?" jive I merely say hello and stare at them and wait for them to finish their routine. Saying hello is an empty gesture. I don't care how they've been or where their life is going. They don't even cross my mind. No one really does. Am I crazy? Maybe. But at least I'm being honest.
I don't think it's sane to want to beat and mame the people that cause minor inconvienieces in your life. Maybe I just don't belong around other humans. I think it's a responsibility of the state to be able to have a building where people like me can be locked away. On a scale of one to ten the possibility of me hurting someone or myself is probably around seven. These figures have been rising since I've been seventeen or eighteen years old. Each year I get worse. If this process continues at this rate I should be dead around the age of thirty-three. Unless I move to a country where the mentally ill are cared for by the state before they become violent criminals. Maybe then I'll see middle age. Or if the world finally crumbles and the only rules are the animal kingdom rules. I believe I would thrive in an environment like that.
I guess the main "red flag" concerning my mental health is my disinterest in music, books, and movies over the last month or so. This was the brick wall I could always lean against. When I purchase some records and listen to them I don't get any kind of emotional response. I have no sense of adventure. The collecting process is just numbers and nothing more. Also I think it's pretty sick to have to BUY something in order to feel better. Regardless if it's a misanthrope such as myself buying a Magnetic Fields or Eric Dolphy box set or some empty bitch buying a bunch of Victoria's Secret garb after a hard day of not going to college classes. We're both the same useless creature that shops till we drop.
Maybe my country wants me in prison.
SOUNDTRACK OF THE DAY
There is no soundtrack of the day. I don't have days anymore. Everything is a term. One day, lord willing, my term will be up. Until then, Hell's on earth until your lights get put out and then there is nothing.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
Fuck brother....a thin line we walk..........I wanted to hurt all my life.......they taught me that......
Made me want
to be
the you
in you:
"I am consistent in my inability
To sustain anything positive
In any relationship I have ever had
Cruel
Malicious man
Capable of large bouts of laughter
For anyone who has ever heard me speak
(I take that for what it is worth)
For all I do is hurt and jab
With this tongue of mine
Unless you count those private times
When I thought, I had broken through.with you
Or at the very least had a foot in the proverbial door.
That foot always ends up in my ass or mouth."
So fuck it.........love when you can
and hurt when it is easy.....and does not mean ...........substance........you feel me knocking?
I've never been a believer that everything has "been done." Except maybe in rock n roll. I think in most of the world, the other arts, people, everyday occurrence, there's something new all the time... and I usually think it's alright if rock n roll stays the same, really.
ps - email me re: times that you're usually home; I'd like to phone sometime soon (I've still got the number right here).
[Edited on Nov 25, 2003 8:56PM]