Remember that part in 'Frida' where Diego says to Frida that he can't promise to be faithful but he can promise to be loyal? Did that resonate with anyone else? I have serious issues with monogamy and yet I am very clear on love. I know what love is to me, and for me, and I know what it is not, and one thing that it is most certainly not is ownership. There is a beauty in pledging one's body to one person and that person only, but what if that person doesn't require (desire?) such a pledge?
I was a jealous man once. I had to know where she was. I had to know who she was with. I kept tabs on all men I thought she was attracted to. If she was going somewhere -- on a trip, for example -- I had to know who she was seeing at the other end. I have come to realize, with years of hindsight, that it was not me, but she, that made me this way. Her insecurity, her incurable self-doubt, self loathing even, necessitated keeping me on edge, always making me worry I was going to lose her. Her methods were subtle which made them all the more insidious. A glance in the wrong direction. A smile that was just a touch too coy. These things could eat me alive for days... weeks. All the while I thought it was me. "I am a jealous man by nature," I would tell myself. I felt sorry for her. I felt sorry that she had to put up with me.
Years later I end up with someone who is self-secure in all the ways the other one was not and I find I haven't a jealous bone in my body. And I adore her for it. I feel her heart is mine whether we be seperated by continent or our limbs entwined. And I know things. I know things that let me sleep at night. I know things that give me peace. One thing I know is this, I don't need that pledge from her. I need not own her body when what I really want is her heart. But I want it to be mutual. It is in word, and I hope it is in deed. Fidelity and loyalty are so close in nature, and yet the import of each is worlds away.
I'm getting tired so maybe I'll complete this thought later, but is anyone getting my drift?
I was a jealous man once. I had to know where she was. I had to know who she was with. I kept tabs on all men I thought she was attracted to. If she was going somewhere -- on a trip, for example -- I had to know who she was seeing at the other end. I have come to realize, with years of hindsight, that it was not me, but she, that made me this way. Her insecurity, her incurable self-doubt, self loathing even, necessitated keeping me on edge, always making me worry I was going to lose her. Her methods were subtle which made them all the more insidious. A glance in the wrong direction. A smile that was just a touch too coy. These things could eat me alive for days... weeks. All the while I thought it was me. "I am a jealous man by nature," I would tell myself. I felt sorry for her. I felt sorry that she had to put up with me.
Years later I end up with someone who is self-secure in all the ways the other one was not and I find I haven't a jealous bone in my body. And I adore her for it. I feel her heart is mine whether we be seperated by continent or our limbs entwined. And I know things. I know things that let me sleep at night. I know things that give me peace. One thing I know is this, I don't need that pledge from her. I need not own her body when what I really want is her heart. But I want it to be mutual. It is in word, and I hope it is in deed. Fidelity and loyalty are so close in nature, and yet the import of each is worlds away.
I'm getting tired so maybe I'll complete this thought later, but is anyone getting my drift?