whatiwas

I'm underinformed and petrified about the situation with my father, who apparently goes under the knife tomorrow (and not yesterday, as I previously thought). His doctors are optimistic, or so my mother says in one-off comments that have no real factual basis whatsoever.

I spoke to my grandmother yesterday, who says that, according to mom, dad is so nervous he's cleaning the house. The whole place smells of bleach, apparently, which I can only speculate on with regard to the effect on his lungs (or those of Farley or my mother).

Both mom and dad have been very silent with my grandparents about the matter, which makes sense in some ways I have enough respect to not mention here, but makes no sense when you realize that MY GRANDFATHER IS A RETIRED FUCKING PATHOLOGIST WITH EXPERIENCE IN THESE EXACT FUCKING MATTERS.

Still no words whatsoever from my father regarding all of this, putting me in a state of complete emotional and intellectual disarray.

Work is as busy as you can expect after having been gone for two weeks and returning in the middle of the second-busiest time of year for my office. Add onto the fact that we're now a person short; the mounting added responsibilities I will have will take a while to adjust to, which is to say nothing of the sadness I'm going to feel because one of my close friends is no longer there.

All of this, of course, comes on the heels of Melanie, who completely destroyed whatever emotional stability I had left.

So, I'm sorry if I seem like a person different from the one I was as early as a week and a half ago. I've been horridly remiss about contacting a billion different people, and I'm sorry about that, but I've been hit with a lot of unexpected things right now that I'm having problems dealing with, and I'm still trying to re-connect with my life here in Oregon.

I'm just fucking tired, and sad and worried, and my eye is throbbing and still a little swollen, and I miss Leeva and Allie and still worry that my behavior is demolishing the relationships I have with them and many others.

I miss my dad, too, I'm so fucking mad at him and I miss him and I'm scared for him and I just want to grab him by the fucking skin and thrash him within an inch of his life for being so disconnected when his body is falling apar, for making me feel like I can never trust myself, for completely shutting off and yet staying tantalizingly close proximity-wise.

I say again, don't fucking bitch at me about how minimal my issues are, I know that, just let me be unhappy or else I swear I'll find you and fucking kill you.