whatiwas

Ive already lost track of myself. I guess Ive still lost track of myself. Every social interaction takes place through so many filters that the real me, when it does appear, does so when I have absolutely nothing to lose. Which usually ends up being here, on this page.

So lets be real for a second, shall we?

The year is almost four full days old, and Ive shared a wonderful evening with a new friend, seen my best friends, loved my best friend, and brought a snowstorm to Iowa for the second time in ten months. Ive grown tired of keeping secrets and confining my emotions, but being around my father turns me into the repressed little boy I always become when hes anywhere near me. Ive had people tell me they care about me, Ive had people tell me they want me, Ive had people tell me theyre scared to see me or scared of themselves.

I havent written a single song, but I will.

Ive felt guilty for every possible reason you can invent in four fucking days. Ive betrayed everything about myself that might still be considered lovable. Ive let my anger at myself turn an expression of my most sincere love turn into what must have been interpreted as an indictment.

Ive felt happier than I have in years, guiltlessly, passionately happy, only to have the letdown come as fast and as hard as it ever has.

Four days into the new year, and Im already lost. But thats where Im starting from.

In four days, I leave this place that used to be home for a place that I desperately want to be home.

In three days, I will put on my suit for its actual intended purpose.

Other than that, I do not know what is going to happen to me. Or what I will make happen.