Please, no comments about how much worse your family life is than mine. I know it's worse, fuck off. This is simply the culmination of years of events that just keep on resurfacing, this isn't just one incident. In any case, I don't make you feel guilty for being upset, return the fucking favor.
Something about my father today, when he called my hair "unpresentable" for the billionth tie and all-but-demanded I cut it, something about the way he said that I'd never be successful unless I lose my locks connected with every critical word he's ever had for me. I felt it all then, his criticism of my choice of major, his disapproving looks when I talked about the women I dated, his disregard of almost anything that interested me, and it shattered everything that I'd looked forward to about coming here.
I was almost confident in recent months, I was almost fucking confident I could connect with him, or with my mother or with my sister, I was almost ready to accept moving back to this place without argument, until he went and established my place again and made me wonder why I even try to give a fuck.
Only I know why I care, why I try over and over and over to gain an understanding of what makes my family the way they are, I want--I wanted to believe that there was still somewhere for me here. All of this, everything I do or have done here has been an effort to find what I've lost, the idea of "home."
This place is not home to me. These people sleeping under this roof do not feel like home anymore, these people who ultimately frustrate me, these people I cannot be around for longer than twenty minutes without antagonizing or being antagonized by, these people I love, these people whose very existence makes my guilt tangible.
I hate what I become because of my family. I hate what I turn myself into. Every shred of doubt, every dream I defer, every fucking instant I am scared to fucking stand up and be something real and solid, everything I am not, I am not because I was taught to believe I am not. I hate everything I am relative to them, drain, failure, embarrassment, milquetoast...
And sure, like everything else that's wrong with me, I only have myself to blame in the end, but I came from somewhere.
I should have learned from the last time I came here.
Something about my father today, when he called my hair "unpresentable" for the billionth tie and all-but-demanded I cut it, something about the way he said that I'd never be successful unless I lose my locks connected with every critical word he's ever had for me. I felt it all then, his criticism of my choice of major, his disapproving looks when I talked about the women I dated, his disregard of almost anything that interested me, and it shattered everything that I'd looked forward to about coming here.
I was almost confident in recent months, I was almost fucking confident I could connect with him, or with my mother or with my sister, I was almost ready to accept moving back to this place without argument, until he went and established my place again and made me wonder why I even try to give a fuck.
Only I know why I care, why I try over and over and over to gain an understanding of what makes my family the way they are, I want--I wanted to believe that there was still somewhere for me here. All of this, everything I do or have done here has been an effort to find what I've lost, the idea of "home."
This place is not home to me. These people sleeping under this roof do not feel like home anymore, these people who ultimately frustrate me, these people I cannot be around for longer than twenty minutes without antagonizing or being antagonized by, these people I love, these people whose very existence makes my guilt tangible.
I hate what I become because of my family. I hate what I turn myself into. Every shred of doubt, every dream I defer, every fucking instant I am scared to fucking stand up and be something real and solid, everything I am not, I am not because I was taught to believe I am not. I hate everything I am relative to them, drain, failure, embarrassment, milquetoast...
And sure, like everything else that's wrong with me, I only have myself to blame in the end, but I came from somewhere.
I should have learned from the last time I came here.
(forgive me if that was none of my business!!!! just wanna help!)