whatiwas

I've always wanted to have one of those struggling voices that somehow manage to make just the right note, the kind of voice that girls find pretty not because of technical skill or bombast or obvious rigorous training, but because it's just a voice, a voice that tries and fails and gets just barely there nonetheless. In recent days, I've given up trying to sing like any one of my innumerable influences and to just be me.

For one instant last Wednesday, during the beginning notes of Stevie Wonder's Superstition, I actually fucking hit it, tossing off a little, insignificant walk away from the microphone into the wall, one that I always imagine singing but never quite get right, and I actually felt like I'd caught something that I needed to hold onto.

There's hope for me yet, I think.

I need a band, one just pretentious enough to be interesting but just self-deprecating enough to be fun, a band with no useless parts, a band with no guitar solos or unwieldy musicianship, a band that just fucking makes loud noise that you just want to swim in, I mean ridiculously loud, so fucking loud that the wannabe punks and indie snobs and metal frauds and jazz purists and blues anachronists and hip-hop opportunists and frat-funk posers and all their gorgeous, snobby, insufferably superior girlfriends just fucking shut the fuck up and stop thinking they're better than anyone. It doesn't have to be groundbreaking, it just has to be something that I could stomach fucking playing, something that I could fucking believe in and not downplay because I was embarrassed to admit I was a part of.