whatiwas

today is hell.

more later.

sleep deprivation, physical overexertion, emotional unrest, and the lingering worry that my heart, prone to impromptu racing and shrieking, is seriously protesting the lack of care with which i've treated my body has turned me into a complete emotional recluse. if you know me well enough, you'll see that i'm running on minimal connectivity--the showman, Reykjavik, has taken over, spastic and goofy and erratic and...
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somewhere between the swell and fade of my chest, i lost track of infinity, bland and imperfect on the outside but perfect at the core, i was looking around at the circular things, by which i mean temporal cyclicality and not physical shape, i was between gasps trying to find words orchidaceous enough to describe it all, i turned one too many times and she...
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i lost so many ideas walking home from the bus tonight.

i spend too much of my time getting to places, most of which i only moderately want to be. i wish i knew what i wanted to spend my time getting to.

forgive my grammar.

i'm happy to sleep alone tonight, wanting only to crawl beneath my sheets and let warm thoughts of home, wherever it is, guide me to wherever it is we meet abstractly.

if you need me, i'm practicing for when i die.

i live with my grandparents, i work part-time at a minimum-wage job because i'm too lazy, scared or stupid to find a real one, i have stupid, childish habits, i spend too much money on music, i'm awkward around women, i wear the same clothes all the time, i'm a shameless flirt, i think about sex far too often (when i'm not so depressed that...
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i thought up a song and lost it, the words started to come but dribble out, replaced with some story about looking at a dead body and that was my productivity for the day, i did some more thinking, if you care to know, and i decided to stop fearing people with high-dollar educations, i'm making the same progressions i did almost a decade ago...
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both of my knit caps are gone, somewhere between here and there that my own feeble, failing eyes can't reach. i'm so sick of locks falling into my face right now that i've actually been tempted to cut them all off, one fell swoop, good morning, world, i look businesslike now, don't i look respectable?

i look like shit, i know i say that at...
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i meet so many eyes and smiles and voices that names can never stick, they never have, so just remember that there is nothing i'd rather know than who you are and forgive me for everything in advance.

I've begun reading The Stand again after having spotted it at a friend's place and, despite my having strayed from the ideals that made me like it in the first place (by which I refer to my Christianity, which I've long since turned my back on), I find myself pouring every ounce of my into it, unable to put it down unless I absolutely have...
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i'm thinking the time for a new profile picture has come.

it's creeping up on four again, i have things to do tomorrow but i don't want to go to sleep, all the effort i spent organizing my cd's (570 in all--i've sold roughly a hundred in the past two months) has kept me going long enough to download some Savath + Savalas and wish i were dead.

that last part is a lie, a joke,...
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