Life is funny some times.
So I dont know how many people know this but I have gender identity issues (not sure where on the spectrum I fall cause I seem to be all over the place) I know that I tend to have more things in common amongst females. I deffiently want to blur the lines a bit and develop some curves and all that fun stuff however its not like a desperation like some transgender girls are feeling. I also will probably never fully transition either. So basically I end up walking a lot of lines and finding it hard to fit in anywhere because of this, which leads us into whats been going on lately. Which to me (as a fiction writer) is almost stranger than any thing I could of ever come up with.
So bare with me, I could really use the feedback on this, also take note that most of these things all happen in the span of a few days.
So over the last little bit I have become more comfortable just being myself.and starting just being more up front with things, I mean I have switched most of my online communities over to female ones, I tend to iself dentify that way most of the time. I started feeling alot more happiness in my life and motivation, some really cool things came out of it. An old store manager from where I work went and added like my female profile and leaves me comments like all the time. My coworker (best friend) Marc knows since we started working together, and yea I have just really been open about it and everything.
Also while this is going on I end up getting myself involved with the local drag community, I know being trans and being a drag queen are two seperate things (one is gender and the other is sexuality) but I decided that it would be really fun to get involved with for the charity side of things, since both my friends are gay. So I get taken in by one here and he is like Ia m going to show you the ropes and did this whole passing down of the make up case. At the same time a drag queen from Portland Oregon is talking to me on myspace about how I have all this potential as one , and wants me involved in her drag family. So I am like wow all these people thing I have the right build to do this. I am super excited to do this, I can help out this community and do some thing good with my life. Though I am really like torn because I have the drag queen here in arizona, but this other one wants to fly me out and teach me everything.
Also while this is going on I end up posting a video on myspace and get a response from a girl who dose make up and modeling for like pin up girls out in like tuscon and I guess her man dose photogrophy and I get to to talking to her how my idle girl style is like a modern pin up girl look. She was like all excited about helping me look that way and maybe eve joing like her group of pin up models and I am like wow this is kind of amazing to bad I cant get down to Tuscon that often.
So one night I am bored at work and I post my YIM so I could chat to people on it while I am wairting for my shift to end and this really cute girl from myspace IM's me and we are really sort of hitting it off well and I come to realize that she is a trans-gril and that I talk to her roomate all the time, and that they both in fact know the drag queen who wants to fly me out. So we talk about maybe doing a long distance thing and seeing where it goes, which to be honest I never thought I would date or be interested in a trans-girl, I always thought I would have to fall for a bi girl, or something, cause despite popular opinon I am into girls. So I think about this and in a way it would make sense cause we'd both see each other as girls and both understand where the other was comminng from. So we made it offiical New Years Eve.
Still more....lol. So I am all excited about this and I tell a local trans friend of mine, who has kind of fallen in love and dropped off the planet (so I havent gotten to go to the support meetings) but I am like yea this is whats up and she was like well are you still planning to self medicate (which is like kind of a big no to most the girls) I was just like I know what you want to hear but I think I need to start something now, So she was like fine I have a bunch of extra estrogen that I was using back when I was doing that. So I totally ended up with free hormones a few days later.
and for a few days after all this I was like I finally know what its like for things to just make sense.
However I have since screwed all these things up. I am pretty sure I am single now cause the other night I was moody from work and her telling me I had to out myself to my parents or I wasnt really serious about this and ended up taking my moody ness out on her and having her throw a fit when I tried to fix the situation. I have not seen my local drag aunt for a while now, nor the ipod I left in the car the last time we hung out. I think I lost a whole pack of the estrogen patches so I am pretty much now off the hormones till I can save money. I think I owe the bank 200 dollers by now, and I am trying to prove to Marc and Shane that I can keep money, so hopefully they will let me move out with them in March. I think I really need an enviorment where I can just be me.
I hope some one on here read this, but it not it did really help typing it all out.
"Happiness is not for keeping, Happiness is not my goal" - Belle and Sebastian
So I dont know how many people know this but I have gender identity issues (not sure where on the spectrum I fall cause I seem to be all over the place) I know that I tend to have more things in common amongst females. I deffiently want to blur the lines a bit and develop some curves and all that fun stuff however its not like a desperation like some transgender girls are feeling. I also will probably never fully transition either. So basically I end up walking a lot of lines and finding it hard to fit in anywhere because of this, which leads us into whats been going on lately. Which to me (as a fiction writer) is almost stranger than any thing I could of ever come up with.
So bare with me, I could really use the feedback on this, also take note that most of these things all happen in the span of a few days.
So over the last little bit I have become more comfortable just being myself.and starting just being more up front with things, I mean I have switched most of my online communities over to female ones, I tend to iself dentify that way most of the time. I started feeling alot more happiness in my life and motivation, some really cool things came out of it. An old store manager from where I work went and added like my female profile and leaves me comments like all the time. My coworker (best friend) Marc knows since we started working together, and yea I have just really been open about it and everything.
Also while this is going on I end up getting myself involved with the local drag community, I know being trans and being a drag queen are two seperate things (one is gender and the other is sexuality) but I decided that it would be really fun to get involved with for the charity side of things, since both my friends are gay. So I get taken in by one here and he is like Ia m going to show you the ropes and did this whole passing down of the make up case. At the same time a drag queen from Portland Oregon is talking to me on myspace about how I have all this potential as one , and wants me involved in her drag family. So I am like wow all these people thing I have the right build to do this. I am super excited to do this, I can help out this community and do some thing good with my life. Though I am really like torn because I have the drag queen here in arizona, but this other one wants to fly me out and teach me everything.
Also while this is going on I end up posting a video on myspace and get a response from a girl who dose make up and modeling for like pin up girls out in like tuscon and I guess her man dose photogrophy and I get to to talking to her how my idle girl style is like a modern pin up girl look. She was like all excited about helping me look that way and maybe eve joing like her group of pin up models and I am like wow this is kind of amazing to bad I cant get down to Tuscon that often.
So one night I am bored at work and I post my YIM so I could chat to people on it while I am wairting for my shift to end and this really cute girl from myspace IM's me and we are really sort of hitting it off well and I come to realize that she is a trans-gril and that I talk to her roomate all the time, and that they both in fact know the drag queen who wants to fly me out. So we talk about maybe doing a long distance thing and seeing where it goes, which to be honest I never thought I would date or be interested in a trans-girl, I always thought I would have to fall for a bi girl, or something, cause despite popular opinon I am into girls. So I think about this and in a way it would make sense cause we'd both see each other as girls and both understand where the other was comminng from. So we made it offiical New Years Eve.
Still more....lol. So I am all excited about this and I tell a local trans friend of mine, who has kind of fallen in love and dropped off the planet (so I havent gotten to go to the support meetings) but I am like yea this is whats up and she was like well are you still planning to self medicate (which is like kind of a big no to most the girls) I was just like I know what you want to hear but I think I need to start something now, So she was like fine I have a bunch of extra estrogen that I was using back when I was doing that. So I totally ended up with free hormones a few days later.
and for a few days after all this I was like I finally know what its like for things to just make sense.
However I have since screwed all these things up. I am pretty sure I am single now cause the other night I was moody from work and her telling me I had to out myself to my parents or I wasnt really serious about this and ended up taking my moody ness out on her and having her throw a fit when I tried to fix the situation. I have not seen my local drag aunt for a while now, nor the ipod I left in the car the last time we hung out. I think I lost a whole pack of the estrogen patches so I am pretty much now off the hormones till I can save money. I think I owe the bank 200 dollers by now, and I am trying to prove to Marc and Shane that I can keep money, so hopefully they will let me move out with them in March. I think I really need an enviorment where I can just be me.
I hope some one on here read this, but it not it did really help typing it all out.
"Happiness is not for keeping, Happiness is not my goal" - Belle and Sebastian
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
brightredscream:
Uh...I'm not??
tymelesseq:
Tumble is right on for all of this. Its hard and things are going to be up and down for awhile. Several times i've thought things were where i wanted them only to disappoint myself when it was only just a step towards what i really wanted. Many times I've also thought I was where I wanted with the people around me only to find out later I wasn't. Just hang in there and take your time its a journey some of it good some of it bad but its a unique experience that only you will have.