webigailboop

i've been away for oh so long, but now i am back. i'm sorry everyone, i had lots of shit going on and lots of fixing hearts to do and lots of moving to do.

i made a really bad mistake about a week and a half ago. i hung out with john, my ex, and when i was saying goodnight to him i kissed him. i made a split second decision to do it, and i'm really upset with myself for doing it. but i needed to know that my feelings for him were really over, and that i had closed that chapter of my life, and i needed some proof. i needed physical proof, not just "feelings" proof. so i kissed him and i didn't feel anything, so i knew that i didn't want to be with him, that i really wanted to be with chris. but it was very selfish of me to do. what right did i have to go and screw up john and confuse him and lead him on? what right did i have to do that to my boyfriend of three years? i feel like a real shit head for doing it.

i told chris that it happened and i have never seen him in so much pain. it broke my heart. he couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't do anything. he kept on having to come home from work early because he couldn't stop crying. he didn't understand how i could do that to him. and i don't really understand that either, but i did it.

i've also been having problems with my medication lately. it was making me feel numb. chris would sit there and cry and scream and wail and tell me he wanted to kill himself and i would sit there and not be able to feel any emotion at all. i've kind of been like that all summer. i just don't care about anything. so me being numb and emotionless was making my relationship with chris worse and only making him feel worse, so i decided to stop taking it for a while. i don't really need it right now because i haven't been having anxiety attacks or panic attacks for a while, but i will need to start taking it again right before i go in great britain in january. i can feel my body coming off of the meds, but it's ok, it's nothing like coming off of zoloft was. and i'm starting to feel better emotionally too.

so since the kiss chris and i have been having a lot of problems and lately i haven't been able to do anything at all right. but i've been trying to fix it, and we have our good days and we have our bad days, but i'm not going to give up. we've been having really good days lately, almost like it never happened, so i'm feeling a lot better about it.

last week i also moved into my new apartment at school. i really like it a lot. i have my own room, and we have a big living room and kitchen. it's great. plus, the school hoooks us up with free cable and dsl internet. i love it. and school is going to start soon, after labor day, and i'm actually getting really excited again. just to go to class again, to have intellectual conversations with people. i'm really looking forward to it.

question of the day: what do you eat when you're in love?

listening to" isobel" bjork
reading: prince caspian, by c.s. lewis

shelley