sometimes i really wish that i could have selective control over my emotions. you know, enjoying the ones you want to and shutting off the ones you wish you weren't feeling because it makes everything so much more confusing than life already is.
chris and i have continued our long talks and worked everything out and i've explained to him how i feel and everything seems to be a lot better between us. but he's so paranoid that something's still wrong that he keeps asking me what's wrong and telling me i'm acting "distant". all of his paranoia makes me think even more and wonder if i made the right decision and question everything again. i hate it. and he's being so mushy and everything lately that i almost feel like he's trying too hard. i just want him to be himself you know?
but all the while i'm missing john in the back of my head. i'm wondering what he's doing and if he's thinking about me. maybe i do it because it feels good to know that someone thinks you're beautiful and has a crush on you. i don't know.
i'm leaving for school again on saturday. in some aspects i'm looking forward to it because maybe it will take me away from all this confusion and i will have time to myself to sit around and think. but on the other hand summer has been great and i really don't want it to be over. there are so many things that i never got to do because i worked so much. and i don't want to be away form chris again. i hate only getting to see him once a week. but i guess that's better than nothing.
shelley
chris and i have continued our long talks and worked everything out and i've explained to him how i feel and everything seems to be a lot better between us. but he's so paranoid that something's still wrong that he keeps asking me what's wrong and telling me i'm acting "distant". all of his paranoia makes me think even more and wonder if i made the right decision and question everything again. i hate it. and he's being so mushy and everything lately that i almost feel like he's trying too hard. i just want him to be himself you know?
but all the while i'm missing john in the back of my head. i'm wondering what he's doing and if he's thinking about me. maybe i do it because it feels good to know that someone thinks you're beautiful and has a crush on you. i don't know.
i'm leaving for school again on saturday. in some aspects i'm looking forward to it because maybe it will take me away from all this confusion and i will have time to myself to sit around and think. but on the other hand summer has been great and i really don't want it to be over. there are so many things that i never got to do because i worked so much. and i don't want to be away form chris again. i hate only getting to see him once a week. but i guess that's better than nothing.
shelley VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
I read your original entry about feelings for old bf emerging but I didnt have time to respond then. I had many thoughts and advice that I wanted to share but most of them were about how not to freak out too much and that things will work out no matter who you end up with.
The thought I have for you today is hard to put into words... it was inspired by a scifi book set in Isaac Asimov's galactic empire it wasnt written by Asimov himself called "Pyschoihistorical Crisis" . In it the all humans in the galaxy uses machines or computer like devices to enhance their intelligence memory etc and when they take them off they lose alot of their memories and they become more animal like or primal easily distracted and overwhelmed with color, sense of touch but you made me think about it because without the device they cant control their emotional reactions because the device cant regulate input and dampen emotional responses etc.
Anyways In the book they try to explain a theory about stasis and why things go out of whack and how it spreads so quickly and they relate it to human learning and how there is an edge or boundary in our psyche between what we know and feel comfortable with, and what we dont know and fear.
That interpaly between these two regions is how we learn. Gradually we expand our region of known until what was scary becomes explained and no longer generates fear.
Sometimes the boundary leaps dramatically and seems to explode for no appearent reason but when looked at closely it seems to work sort of like an a earthquake. A fault line system can takes centruies to develop an earthquake slowly but the results are a dramatic, even catostrophic. But when the previously stable and static system has its boundary or faults move then it releases the energy contained and whammo world truns upside down.
So my theory is your feelings of being upside down etc is a result of how much energy you have invested in your relationship and how important it is to you and seeing your old flame is the straw that broke the camels back so to speak that tipped your balance point and released any built up tensions in your relationship that were already developing.
For instance your reservations about Chris's pot use isnt new. But when the balance tipped it seems like it might have been more a problem for you than you were willing to admit before. That seeing your old bf and him telling you about his feelings you were confronted with a real or imagined choice between a chronic pot smoker and (I am assuming) one who isnt.
Seems you have determined that returning to your old flame isnt what you want or need, right now anyways, although feelings for him remain.
My convoluted advice summed up would be "Do whatever makes you happy"
Who would want you to stay with together with them even if because of it you were unhappy? and if Chris loves you in the way I think he does he would probably say the same thing after thinking about it and getting past any hurt feelings. "to just do what you must to be happy no matter what."
Of course the trouble is finding out what it takes to be happy. That is where the school distance thing may actually help to sort these feelings and intergrate them into your new world view.
i