webigailboop

for the last few days i've felt like i've been sitting in a daze watching myself fuck up my life and not being able to do anything about it. it's like my head is spinning non-stop and i'm going insane. since last night i feel a lot better about things though.

first of all, thank you guys so much for all the great advice. you can't begin to know how much i appreciate it. and special thanks goes to Night for all the great talks. thanks buddy.

the past few days have been really hard and stressful. like i said, i felt like i was spinning out of control. i was torn between the excitement of seeing my ex and having so much fun with him and then having a three year relationship with my best friend in the world and someone i love more than anything. my ex telling me that he wanted to be with me and kiss me and that he was falling in love with me didn't make things much better, yeah, obviously i thought about going back to him, but i've decided not to. why should i go back to something that i don't know will work or not. i know i was just caught up in all the excitement of seeing my ex again and him being so damn hot and us having such great times. but you know what, that is the past, and even though we dated at one time, it was only for three months and we can still be friends now.

at the beginning of all this mess i felt like i wanted to change all the "bad" things about chris. i wanted him to stop smoking weed, i wanted him to stop smoking cigarrettes, i wanted him to go to college. but now i realize i don't want that, we're young, why shouldn't we be able to do whatever we want and party and live it up? it's really not hurting anyone right now, so what does it matter? all i care about is that when the time comes to grow up and take on some serious responsibilities he is going to be able to do it. and i thought about how i don't want to change him and have him resent me for the rest of his life, and i don't want him to change because then he wouldn't be the person that i fell in love with.

chris and i had like a three day conversation. it was so hard to understand what i was feeling and thinking that i couldn't make it come out right and he didn't understand why i was feeling that way. all this made it really hard to get everything out at once. last night we finally finshed talking though, and at first it was hard and we were both crying and yelling but then after a while it got better. and i really feel like things are going to be better now, maybe all this will even make us stronger. i don't know.

shelley