stop looking at me with those eyes of yours. they melt my heart every time. you don't know what you're doing to me. i thought all this was over. but i guess it's not. i'm so fucking retardingly confused and stupid and acting like a silly girl. someone please slap some sense into me. what the hell is going on here? i'm really fucking things up here i think.
so, on thursday my ex-boyfriend from 3 1/2 years ago entered into my life again. i haven't seen him in so long, but now he's moved back close to vancouver, so i got to see him and catch up and everything. it was so wonderful hanging out with him and so much fun. i really have missed him a lot. it felt like old times again. it was crazy. i loved it, but i hated it at the same time. i've been in a relationship for three years, i'm not suppossed to be feeling things (sparks) with my old boyfriend, who i never really got over and really is super wonderful. he's not suppossed to tell me he still has feelings for me and make me feel like the queen of the world. we aren't suppossed to "click" anymore, especially since i have a very serious boyfriend. especially since up until thursday night i was completely in love with and content and fabulous. what the fuck am i doing? god, please tell me to stop feeling like this. tell me that i just feel this way because i haven't seen john in so long and i'm just remembering all the really good memories and fun times we had together. i don't want to hurt chris, i really don't. i don't want to fuck things up here. i love chris, he is my best friend, the last thing in the world that i want to do is to hurt him, so why am i afraid that i might? i really don't want to, and i would never do anything to him like cheat or anything like that. i don't want to be a heartbreaker. john has said that he doesn't want to cause any drama for anybody and he's not expecting anything from me, he knows that i love chris and i have no intention of betraying him. he also knows what he does to me though. what the fuck is going on with my emotions and feelings? they're god damn relentless. i make myself sick. i don't even know if this entry makes any sense at all to anyone. why does it have to feel so good to spend time with john and to hug him? why can't i feel towards him what i feel about all my other ex's? why can't we act like normal people? someone, anyone, please give me some advice about something. i don't know what the fuck i want anymore....not with anything. do i need to be alone? for once in my life? i haven't been without a boyfriend since 10th grade. actually, since 9th grade. do i need to not be with anyone? i don't know if i can do it? what am i suppossed to do? i'm 20 years old, should i actually be "dating around"? why has my life turned a complete 180 degrees in less than three days?
i've been thinking a lot lately....if anything, john's visit has caused me to really think about things and to think about what i want. i don't want chris to smoke. i don't want to be with an adict for the rest of my life. you can't do anything if you are stoned every single day. you can't start a family like that. i know i should be dating someone with the same education level as me and everyone and their mother tells me that, but will all that make me happy? does any of it matter if i find someone that i'm happy with and that loves me? someone like chris?
my head is so screwed up right now, i can't even believe it. i don't even know what to do anymore.
shelley
so, on thursday my ex-boyfriend from 3 1/2 years ago entered into my life again. i haven't seen him in so long, but now he's moved back close to vancouver, so i got to see him and catch up and everything. it was so wonderful hanging out with him and so much fun. i really have missed him a lot. it felt like old times again. it was crazy. i loved it, but i hated it at the same time. i've been in a relationship for three years, i'm not suppossed to be feeling things (sparks) with my old boyfriend, who i never really got over and really is super wonderful. he's not suppossed to tell me he still has feelings for me and make me feel like the queen of the world. we aren't suppossed to "click" anymore, especially since i have a very serious boyfriend. especially since up until thursday night i was completely in love with and content and fabulous. what the fuck am i doing? god, please tell me to stop feeling like this. tell me that i just feel this way because i haven't seen john in so long and i'm just remembering all the really good memories and fun times we had together. i don't want to hurt chris, i really don't. i don't want to fuck things up here. i love chris, he is my best friend, the last thing in the world that i want to do is to hurt him, so why am i afraid that i might? i really don't want to, and i would never do anything to him like cheat or anything like that. i don't want to be a heartbreaker. john has said that he doesn't want to cause any drama for anybody and he's not expecting anything from me, he knows that i love chris and i have no intention of betraying him. he also knows what he does to me though. what the fuck is going on with my emotions and feelings? they're god damn relentless. i make myself sick. i don't even know if this entry makes any sense at all to anyone. why does it have to feel so good to spend time with john and to hug him? why can't i feel towards him what i feel about all my other ex's? why can't we act like normal people? someone, anyone, please give me some advice about something. i don't know what the fuck i want anymore....not with anything. do i need to be alone? for once in my life? i haven't been without a boyfriend since 10th grade. actually, since 9th grade. do i need to not be with anyone? i don't know if i can do it? what am i suppossed to do? i'm 20 years old, should i actually be "dating around"? why has my life turned a complete 180 degrees in less than three days?
i've been thinking a lot lately....if anything, john's visit has caused me to really think about things and to think about what i want. i don't want chris to smoke. i don't want to be with an adict for the rest of my life. you can't do anything if you are stoned every single day. you can't start a family like that. i know i should be dating someone with the same education level as me and everyone and their mother tells me that, but will all that make me happy? does any of it matter if i find someone that i'm happy with and that loves me? someone like chris?
my head is so screwed up right now, i can't even believe it. i don't even know what to do anymore.
shelley VIEW 22 of 22 COMMENTS
thanks for the "happy birthday." Sad that I haven't looked at my profile since July 17. Anyway, I don't know you, but it was awfully nice of you to come by to see me
As for your messy feelings....well, I'd say just wait and see how you feel in a week or two. Sometimes when someone comes back into your life it can be a real emotional shock. You need to wait until things settle down inside your head before you start to turn around and question everything that you're doing. And then, if it turns out that you do need a change, well, there's nothing wrong with doing what's right for you, as long as you're honest with yourself and with others.