i wish i was one half of a really cute old couple. you know, like the couples that always hold hands and the husband pulls the chair out for the lady and they always have their specific things they get at specific restaurants on specific days, i heart cute old people, i hope i get to be one someday.
i really need to work on not doing negative self talk. i don't fuck up all the time, even though i try to tell myself i do. when things go wrong it's not always my fault. sometimes bad things happen for no reason at all. i tend to blame myself or get too hard on myself when something goes wrong, even when i know i have nothing to do with it. i wish i didn't do it, but i do, and that's something that i need to work on improving. for example, chris gets in bad moods a lot for really no reason at all, i think he's probably manic depressive, and even though i know that i've been nothing but a great girfriend to him i still get down on myself and all paranoid like he's in a bad mood because of something i did or didn't do or i'm being annoying or something. and i get scared like he doesn't love me anymore or i'm turing into one of "those girlfriends" that i never wanted to be. but i'm just paranoid because i know he loves me and he tells me he does and that i make him happy and that it's nothing that i did, it's just that he doesn't know what's wrong.
does that make any sense at all to anyone?
how do i stop blaming myself? i know it's nothing that i did but i still can't help feeling responsible.
in other more happy news, my parents are going out of town for like two weeks which means that basically i can spend the night with chris whenever i want. which is always a great bonus.
i still don't miss anyone from school even though i haven't seen them in over a month. should i feel bad about that? i don't know.
well, tomorrow is the 4th, which will be a much appreciated day off for me. i hope everyone has lots of fun.
shelley
i really need to work on not doing negative self talk. i don't fuck up all the time, even though i try to tell myself i do. when things go wrong it's not always my fault. sometimes bad things happen for no reason at all. i tend to blame myself or get too hard on myself when something goes wrong, even when i know i have nothing to do with it. i wish i didn't do it, but i do, and that's something that i need to work on improving. for example, chris gets in bad moods a lot for really no reason at all, i think he's probably manic depressive, and even though i know that i've been nothing but a great girfriend to him i still get down on myself and all paranoid like he's in a bad mood because of something i did or didn't do or i'm being annoying or something. and i get scared like he doesn't love me anymore or i'm turing into one of "those girlfriends" that i never wanted to be. but i'm just paranoid because i know he loves me and he tells me he does and that i make him happy and that it's nothing that i did, it's just that he doesn't know what's wrong.
does that make any sense at all to anyone?
how do i stop blaming myself? i know it's nothing that i did but i still can't help feeling responsible.
in other more happy news, my parents are going out of town for like two weeks which means that basically i can spend the night with chris whenever i want. which is always a great bonus.
i still don't miss anyone from school even though i haven't seen them in over a month. should i feel bad about that? i don't know.
well, tomorrow is the 4th, which will be a much appreciated day off for me. i hope everyone has lots of fun.
shelley VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
And dont feel bad about not missing people from school!! you spent 3/4 of the year with them! ya gotta take a break sometime! enjoy the 4th of July dear!
Sare
About being with a moody partner ... the hardest lesson I had to learn was that, even when she said I made her happy -- I didn't! She made herself happy, and because of certain ways she was thinking, she found it easier to do this when I was with her and when other circumstances matched her ideas.
It works the same for me. Nothing makes me happy; I make myself happy (or unhappy) by the way I think about it. Doesn't mean I ought to be thrilled when, for example, somebody insults me. But I have the choice. I can believe it's true and then believe it means something about me as an entire person, or I can regard it only as information about the person who said it -- and as something that may or may not be true about me in a particular situation at a specific time.
About not missing your friends, if you "should" feel bad about it, that would mean there is some universal law that says you must feel bad about it, right? But you don't. So there's no law, no "should." Only what is.
Happy Fourth!
[Edited on Jul 05, 2003]