walkingman

Parents are not supposed to bury their kids. It is just not right. Parents are supposed to grow old gracefully and then their kids who have grown up are supposed to take care of them. When Mom and Dad pass away happy in their roles as Grandma and Grandpa their kids are supposed to bury them. Parents should not have to suffer through the whole process of burying a child and then grieving for that child forever. My most humbling experience was watching my middle son die after a long and horrible illness. The hospice people were wonderful. The doctors, nurses, and other caregivers were so kind and caring but in the end they could not save him. I held him in my arms as he breathed his last few breathes and there was nothing I could do to help him but let him know that I was there and that I loved him. We knew there was nothing that could be done but we held out hope for a miracle to the end. After it happened no one could comfort me. People have told me that time will heal my wounds. That is plain bullshit. I could live 5000 years and the pain and grief would never go away, much less heal. I live with the memory each day. My older brother has now suffered the loss of his oldest son and we now belong to some unique sick fraternity of fathers who have lost sons. I think that I am one of the few people who is qualified to talk with him and know how he is feeling. He is feeling lost, sad, angry, and wondering why me Lord. I looked at him over the weekend and saw an old man. I dug out some pictures from the funeral of my son and looked at how I looked in them. There stood a similar looking old weary sad man. I showed them to my brother and then made him look in the mirror at himself. We will get through this together as will his wife and my wife and his family and mine. I am getting tired of crying and tired of hearing people crying. Funny thing is we got out some old family videos and watched them and we cried but not tears of sadness but tears of joy. It was so wonderful to see happy times and how carefree and goofy we were and can be in the future. My youngest does not remember too much of what happened with his older brother but he does not like people being sad all the time. My oldest does remember what happened to his brother and he is taking the death of his cousin hard. Kids also should not have to deal with the death of siblings or cousins until they are all well into their seventies or eighties. My wife and I have been finding our bed gets crowded late at night when young minds start thinking. I did borrow some of my nephews music collection and have been listening to it late at night or early in the morning trying to see if I can gain a better insight into him. I never had any problems with him and went to court with him several times and he was always honest and respectful towards me. Several times he called me instead of his parents and asked me to get him out and take him home. He was a boy with so much potential who got lost and just never found his way out or back. And the scary thing is that he and I were so much alike that I could have been him had I not found a good path. I let him work in my office on and off and we talked often and he would always say, You are right Uncle and I will settle down, but I love partying and having fun right now. He let the good times roll and they rolled over him. I am so glad that I discovered one could have fun without alcohol and drugs. Clean and sober has its benefits.