walker

I am fat, I know I am and even if I didnt know I was people tell me often enough when I am in public. I have always been bigger, but I was at least active. I went to the gym and took part in the martial arts for years.
Ive been trying to lose weight again and I have been but I havent lost anything in a month now. I fear I am going about to gain it all back which would just send me into depression worse than I already deal with on a daily basis.
Depression has always been an issue for me. My self esteem goes up and down depending on which direction my life is taking at the time. I took two large hits a while back when I had to move hundreds of miles leaving everyone I knew behind and before that I was dumped. So those didnt help.
I couldnt and still cant afford to go see anyone about anything but I did have the shoulder of a friend online for a bit till they vanished. I have looked into groups that meet to deal with such things but I live in a small town and the ones I have found and tried were heavy into religion and wanted more to convert me. So that rules out group meetings. This has lead me to just stuff shit down inside of me like always and try and carry on. But over the last month or so I have had a lot of time late at night to myself to think things over since I havent been sleeping well.
In this time I have found the reason I keep failing at losing weight and fixing my life and it is one that just makes me feel even more like crap. Deep down inside I want the weight to kill me because I am unable to pull the trigger. Just typing this is one of the hardest things Ive done. I try to keep from breaking down while typing it but it isnt something I can do. But I am glad it at least down on something now. I hope admitting to this helps me in someway. Only time will tell really.