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walden_

St. Louis

Member Since 2004

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Monday Apr 07, 2008

Apr 7, 2008
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I'm in such an awful state of mind..

I've been skipping classes a LOT recently, because of anxiety that builds and builds, eventually erupting into a panic attack. I can't tell my parents, because they'll see it as another failure.. so, I wait for my failing grades, and them to refuse to help me go to school anymore -- I am willing to go into debt with student loans, anyways.. it's just that I have -no- idea what I want to get a degree in.

I'm so anxious, all the time.

I feel like cutting and running. I've been reading classifieds in Alaska..

I just, feel like I need to take control of my life. It's sort of in my dad's control right now.. he gives me money for rent, and insurance.. so, when this school thing erupts, this will all be over. I'll have to find a fulltime job.. doing what? I don't know, but it has to be enough to pay my bills.


Just.. ugh. I think I'm going to go around to all the local groomers and vet hospitals, shelters, and see if I can maybe double up a few jobs there.. I'm also (insane, I know) applying to test for a police officer position in Alaska, but I know I wouldn't follow through, most likely.

MY boyfriend is worried, but he keeps reassuring me.. telling me not to look down on myself, to accept myself, to find some goal to work towards... I don't know how to take his advice though.

-------

So.. I've decided I'm going to look at this as a growing opportunity. If I get dropped by my parents, and have to work/school myself, all the better. I should not live in fear. It is an opportunity to become the adult that I've never really become.
I applied to a grooming job at nights that's pretty far away, but at least it's a job. I'd like to have one of those again. Heh.

I'm also going to take care of my body. I'm back on track working out again.
I do 30 of straight muscles, explosively lifting as much as I can for 2x10 or 12 reps
then 30-40 mins of interval cardio, going from 30 minutes all out, to 4 minutes of a regular pace.

It's exhausting, but in 3 days I'm already noticing a difference.

And.. yeah.. Alaska = probably not the way to go. I just loved it there when I hung out with a friend in Fairbanks.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
cyureus:
trust me hon... i know exactly how you feel... hope you find something that works <3
Apr 7, 2008
darke:
It's familiar territory, if it can avoid you one day of anxiety, you're more than welcome.
Apr 7, 2008

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