So today was just dandy. This whole school thing just gets me. I am getting a degree in engineering and I have math phobia. It makes me break into a cold sweat. How screwed up am I. The fact that I am actually about to graduate this spring is amazing, and the fact that I will somehow do it with above a 3.5 gpa is nuts, and a testament to the fact that I must be a masochist and I just don't know it.
Anyways, so school stress starts me off on a panic attack, and I just got this unusually strong (even for me) desire to kill myself. Half the time I am doing math for school I wish I was dead so I would not be doing it is one thing. But actually contemplating the benefits of ending my own life is infrequent in my life.
Don't worry, I know I am philosophically incapable of taking my own life. It is not something that could happen. But I do infrequently have an acutely powerful urge to do so while very depressed. In the middle of a panic attack while in a deep and quick setting depression, it is hard to describe. Every second of existence is pure terror and pain, and every action can bring only pain, with no solution existing. That is where the only thought turns to not existing to escape the emotional pain of clinical depression. Luckily for me, I am not severely depressed more then a dozen hours or so a month. I know that all i have to do is survive until it is over, as hard as it is to believe it will ever be over. Then it is and I feel just fine.
I heard that David Foster Wallace killed himself recently, apparently after battling depression for 20 years solid. I cannot even imagine what that would be like. I am just glad that when I am depressed, I know for the most part it is just irrational and my brain being stupid. There are plenty of people in the world who's lives are genuinely filled with terrible pain, and mine is not even close to one of them. Anywho, boo depression.
Anyways, so school stress starts me off on a panic attack, and I just got this unusually strong (even for me) desire to kill myself. Half the time I am doing math for school I wish I was dead so I would not be doing it is one thing. But actually contemplating the benefits of ending my own life is infrequent in my life.
Don't worry, I know I am philosophically incapable of taking my own life. It is not something that could happen. But I do infrequently have an acutely powerful urge to do so while very depressed. In the middle of a panic attack while in a deep and quick setting depression, it is hard to describe. Every second of existence is pure terror and pain, and every action can bring only pain, with no solution existing. That is where the only thought turns to not existing to escape the emotional pain of clinical depression. Luckily for me, I am not severely depressed more then a dozen hours or so a month. I know that all i have to do is survive until it is over, as hard as it is to believe it will ever be over. Then it is and I feel just fine.
I heard that David Foster Wallace killed himself recently, apparently after battling depression for 20 years solid. I cannot even imagine what that would be like. I am just glad that when I am depressed, I know for the most part it is just irrational and my brain being stupid. There are plenty of people in the world who's lives are genuinely filled with terrible pain, and mine is not even close to one of them. Anywho, boo depression.
anei:
hello darling! 
vudu5:
Hey!