vomitious

i apologize in advance for the oncoming rant...

i'm becoming a hermit. i haven't left my house in over two weeks (other than to go to work). i haven't wanted to leave. i haven't wanted to do anything. i haven't wanted to see my "friends" let alone speak to them. i'm not really sure what is up with me. i felt like i needed a break from my normal routine of going out to the same places friday & saturday and seeing the same people, but now i think it's more than that. my insanity has been going strong lately, to the point where i need to suddenly run out at work because i feel like i'm going to breakdown. usually when i get like this, i force myself to go out and be around people because i know the constant isolation doesn't help, but i can't even force myself to do that. i actually think that might make it worse. so i guess i'm just at a loss. i can deal with being like this because i've had to for my entire life. i've learned to control certain aspects of my illness(es), particularly the self-injury and suicidal tendencies, but i still have to endure them. meaning, i still have the want and need to cut myself, but i don't follow through and do it. i still have suicidal thoughts and feelings, but i don't act upon them. it takes ALL my energy to "control" these urges. unfortunately, i haven't learned how to control the core of all of this. i've always wondered what it would be like to just be mentally "normal", if only for a day. i'd probably be bored to death and that's not necessarily a bad thing.