i don't know why i still have this account. i rarely update my journal, i rarely read other peoples journals, i rarely look at the photo sets. what is the fucking point of this? and speaking of this journal, i write meaningless nonsense. i censor myself extremely and i'm not even sure why. normally, there is so much i want to fucking rant and rave about and just get out of my system, but i don't, instead i write nothing. i write nothing because i'm afraid. i'm tired of it. for once i'm going to fucking spill my guts.
my sanity has been questionable lately. well, fuck that, i am not sane to begin with. i just try to keep myself stitched together. that's the best i can do, is just get through the day. anyway, lately things have been so clear, yet so fucking cloudy. but it doesn't balance out. balance is my fucking life, i am a libra for christ's sake. everything revolves around balance in some way, but nothing is ever in balance for me. neverending struggle.
i finally realized, or better yet accepted, that i have not changed a bit since moving back here. i am still the same fucked up little girl that i have always been. depressed, suicidal, self-injuring, self-hating, manipulative, impulsive, etc. etc. that was the whole idea, move here and get better. i'm still the same. i can't tell myself any longer that i am different, i'm not, that is just a stabbing lie. i realize underlying problems and issues as to why i am this way, but i haven't made an effort to deal with them and change. instead of changing, i've accepted. now i wonder if that is really such a bad thing? why did i always feel like i had to change? maybe that isn't the answer. maybe accepting myself, insanity and all, and just learning how to live with it is the answer. maybe i can't change, maybe i don't want to. i know i've always been afraid of changing. this has always been part of who i am. my mental illness is not ME, but it does shape ME.
my views on SI are also differing. i've been cutting for 10 years. for 10 years, i have felt guilty and ashamed of it. i have hided it. i have lied about it. i have thought that it was wrong. i don't think i should feel like that anymore. there is no need for me to. my cutting has always kept me alive. and isnt that the basic point to everything, just to be alive? cutting is survival for me. it is a coping mechanism. just because society doesn't understand or accept does not make it wrong. why must there be this fucking stigma attached to self-injury? even in the world of body modification, SI is taboo. so it's ok to go pierce your genitals, or tattoo your back, but you look at my self-inflicted scars and think i am a freak. but you see my metal and ink without a problem. fuck off. don't fucking judge.
on an ironic lighter note, i've decided to go back to college for psychology. it seems idiotic but makes perfect sense at the same tyme.
my sanity has been questionable lately. well, fuck that, i am not sane to begin with. i just try to keep myself stitched together. that's the best i can do, is just get through the day. anyway, lately things have been so clear, yet so fucking cloudy. but it doesn't balance out. balance is my fucking life, i am a libra for christ's sake. everything revolves around balance in some way, but nothing is ever in balance for me. neverending struggle.
i finally realized, or better yet accepted, that i have not changed a bit since moving back here. i am still the same fucked up little girl that i have always been. depressed, suicidal, self-injuring, self-hating, manipulative, impulsive, etc. etc. that was the whole idea, move here and get better. i'm still the same. i can't tell myself any longer that i am different, i'm not, that is just a stabbing lie. i realize underlying problems and issues as to why i am this way, but i haven't made an effort to deal with them and change. instead of changing, i've accepted. now i wonder if that is really such a bad thing? why did i always feel like i had to change? maybe that isn't the answer. maybe accepting myself, insanity and all, and just learning how to live with it is the answer. maybe i can't change, maybe i don't want to. i know i've always been afraid of changing. this has always been part of who i am. my mental illness is not ME, but it does shape ME.
my views on SI are also differing. i've been cutting for 10 years. for 10 years, i have felt guilty and ashamed of it. i have hided it. i have lied about it. i have thought that it was wrong. i don't think i should feel like that anymore. there is no need for me to. my cutting has always kept me alive. and isnt that the basic point to everything, just to be alive? cutting is survival for me. it is a coping mechanism. just because society doesn't understand or accept does not make it wrong. why must there be this fucking stigma attached to self-injury? even in the world of body modification, SI is taboo. so it's ok to go pierce your genitals, or tattoo your back, but you look at my self-inflicted scars and think i am a freak. but you see my metal and ink without a problem. fuck off. don't fucking judge.
on an ironic lighter note, i've decided to go back to college for psychology. it seems idiotic but makes perfect sense at the same tyme.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
teehee.. i am a nerd. (!!!)
mmm yeah i wanna see your hair!! email me if yous wanna.
nenia@pierced.com
[Edited on Nov 25, 2003 5:57AM]