i'm so dishevelled. my emotions and states of consciousness are like a rollercoaster. i had been feeling fucking horrid a lot for the past month or two, and now, these past few days have felt almost enjoyable. it's so confusing. i feel as if my mindstate and general overall feeling seems "normal" due in part to the company i've had recently. i don't know if that's good or bad or neither for my mind and mood to drastically change because of another person. and i can't even fucking explain or describe what it is that i'm trying to convey... i just don't know how to put these thoughts into words and sentences that are understandable. i guess i shouldn't be questioning this current lift from my depression and fucking insanity, but i just feel vulnerable when other people seem to help me rather than me helping myself. i should feel honored and content that i found someone who makes me feel so alive just by mutely laying next to me, but i'm drawn into feeling frightened and closed off. it's as if he lights a spark inside of me that wakes me up, and gawd knows i've been asleep for so long. it's so rare for someone to have that affect on me. i don't know if i want to be affected or if i'm ready to. maybe i just think too fucking much. i need to stop my mind from overthinking and snowballing these thoughts. maybe then i could just purely enjoy and appreciate this new turn life has brought me. maybe then i could just fucking feel happy and at peace for one second. 
nenia:
the things you say almost always sound exactly the way i feel...my moods are greatly effected by other people. it's pretty rediculous really..i can go from happy to sad in a split second. all over the place. it's actually probably even worse than only being depressed all the time, because it gives you [false] hopes. *sigh* are you never on your aim screen name? i have you on my list, but never see you on...
