vomitious

thinking. thinking. ramblings inside my head. i've been wondering a lot lately. wondering what could have been, if i made the right decision. i always question my decision to leave brooklyn. i wonder what my life would be like if i had chosen a different path, if i had stayed. what if i hadn't left school? what if i hadn't fucked everything up? i've become so good at fucking up my life, it seems it's the only thing i'm good at anymore. this self-destruction. i left brooklyn, i chose to leave, i decided to finally get myself together, to conquer my constant depression and suicidal tendencies. i conquered it with numbness. all i feel now is nothing. i've become so numb that i don't feel at all. what is better? being depressed and suicidal but at least feeling something, even if that something isn't positive... or being numb and feeling nothing, nothing positive-nothing negative, pure nothing. i wonder. i dunno. sometymes you need to feel. sometymes you need to feel nothing. emptiness. sickness. this sickness never fades away. diseased for all eternity.