voltaire

I am still sick...... it totally blows....... I want to cook dinner tonight, but I don't know what I want to make.....

I haven't had a drink in almost a week.... I just haven't felt like it.... also, I have only smoked three cigarettes in this time frame..... I would just quit, but after about three days without smoking, I start to have serious withdrawls, and I HAVE to smoke..... one day I'll quit..... I hate smoking, It's fucking disgusting....
I also find myself less and less interested in weed these days..... a year ago, I went through an eighth a week. now I maybe smoke once a week... I haven't bought weed in months..... A $10 bag would probably last me a month......

someone gave me a bag of dope at work a few days ago..... I don't know what to do with it.... I don't do any nose drugs(le fey blanc), or any white drugs for that matter, so I don't really know what to do with it... I don't even know anyone that does that stuff.... I don't think I do anyway...... maybe I'll do it... It's been almost a year since I did any blow..... then again...... maybe I won't......

I'm very serious about cutting my hair off..... I'm just trying to figure out when..... My friend Shard wants to do another shoot with me before I cut them off, and so do a few talent agencies down here, but I don't know how much longer I can wait. I'm starting to feel stifled by my appearance...both constricted and resticted..... I NEED CHANGE!!!!!!! I think I'm going to leave them on my head untill I just can't take it anymore..... It might be you that I'm with when all of a sudden, out of the blue, I start hacking all my hair off..... I just can't put a date on such a thing as cytting off ten years of hair growth.... four of those years being a dreadie.....

I have a whole lot on my mind, and almost no one to talk to, since I have such serious trust issues.....

On a positive note, I have a whole shit load of clothing that was donated to me just yesterday that really kicks ass.... It will make awesome stage wear...... most of it looks like old school hollywood from the 20s and 30s..... I'm jazzed as fuck...... all they need is just a little bead work or sequining, and they'll be total show stoppers.... goddamn it's good to have friends in the right places, that know that I am a complete and totall clothes horse....... I even like to tear things apart, and recreate them...... I've been considering selling some of my designs to dancers/performers, but I don't really want to deal with the custom fitting( some people are so fucking high maintenance.... I fucking hate those people, unless they have lots of money, of course).... besides, I still need someone to donate a sewing machine to my creative efforts..... so, untill then, It's all about hardcore hand sewing...... which I don't really mind doing for myself.... but never for others.... what a pain that would be..... I've been feeling mighty crafty these days....... I need to get my ass to a fabric store, and also to a craft store My brain is full to the brim of Ideas that need to be spewed out and made into material objects.....

I feel very at peace these days..... kind of like a calm before the storm.....

I've also been doing some writing lately.... short stories containing some slightly twisted and seriously deranged erotica....... I feel kind of insane, and I need to purge.........

I think I will continue not to drink alcohol..... and If I do, it will only be one drink.... I feel the concept of "temperance" pulling me to it, and I hear it calling my name..... I'm changing...... drasticaly...... I can't wait to shed this old skin, and leave it behind, to reveal the new, bright and shiny.... but I keep clinging to that old skin, almost afraid, yet so sick and tired of it....

one day soon You will not recognise me....... unless you look real close........

xoxoxoxoxox- Voltaire

my brain is moving to fast to think of questions...... maybe next time........

be well...........