I've been weird lately. My mind had been kind of... off. It's hard to describe. Since my grandpa died, I haven't felt the same. At first, I was hysterical. Then, I went catatonic for days. Now, I just feel callous. I feel completely unsympathetic to anyone and everyone, and am finding it hard to feel compassion, or trust, and anything genuine for anyone. I guess this is part of the grieving process? I've also felt very short with people. I've been quick to get an attitude or let someone know when they're annoying me.
Oh well. I start drinking again on the 31st. I think this month off has been good for me. I'll be wasted at the party and probably be needin somethin sexy to make out with! haha.
1. Denial : "It can't be happening."
2. Anger : "Why ME? It's not fair?!" (either referring to God, oneself, or anybody perceived, rightly or wrongly, as "responsible")
3. Bargaining : "Just let me live to see my son graduate."
4. Depression : "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
5. Acceptance : "It's going to be OK."
Honestly, I would put off any heavy drinking for a while, until you feel normal, again. I mean, drinking a little is fine, but to not drink for a month and then jump straight into drinking heavily is a bit much - it's like going on a strict diet and then eating a gallon of icecream: you undo everything you did, and it puts you straight back into old habits.
My advice would be to have one, maybe two drinks when you get back into drinking - and spread them out over a decent period of time so that you're buzzed, but not drunk. And if your friends can't understand why, then fuck 'em - they should support you. I feel like it's too easy to try using alcohol to self-medicate, which would make dealing with your grandfather's death even more difficult. I know that's not what you are setting out to do - but once you start, in this state of mind, there's no telling what might happen. Go slow, and surround yourself with people who understand and respect you.
Working through grief sucks... but it happens to everyone, in very different ways. I agree with Lego - take your time and don't feel guilty. *kisses* Call me if you need anything.