viv

I'm suffering and its all of my own doing. I dont get it. It's like my brain has turned against me. Not just my brain, but my heart and my emotions and my whole damn self.

I can't write. I can't worship my gods. I can't get happy. Where did it go?

I'm not bitchin'. I try not to do that. I'm genuinely confused. I walk in the door at night and get that sinking feeling in my stomach. You know the one. Drop city.

This is why I am wary of love. I was seeing a few boys. A girl. Nothing serious. All good fun. And then I went and fell for one boy in particular. Just last week. (gods, it feels like a lifetime ago already). Looks like that boy's not gonna fall for me back. And I am crushed. Flattened. Brought down when I was so fucking high. It's been so long since I've really let someone in, and look what I get for it.

I want no pep talks from my friends. No rationalizations. No support unless it comes in a bottle or I can smoke it or I can put it in my headphones and pipe it directly into my head. I'm an analytical girl by nature but right now I am riding the demon of pure emotion, and I hate it. Or do I love it? Whatever, it's making me sick to my stomach.

Fucking pity parties suck, mine most of all.