Hello gang,

It’s been a while since I’ve expressed something through here… besides me being grateful to finally be pink.

Sometimes life is like that I guess… there’s times where you need to step back, maybe withdraw a little in order to understand what’s been happening.

What do I think is happening?

Well… I’m not really sure, but I suspect it has to do with my throat chakra, something leads me to believe I’ve been burnt at the stick once too many times… my fear of being seen.

Why do I think that?

Because I guess part of me has always felt like it isn’t safe to be seen.

Don’t get me wrong, I love attention, hardcore… maybe in some subconscious way I’ve always been rejecting what the universe is trying to gift me, I’ve felt undeserving.

I wouldn’t call myself an attention whore, wouldn’t dare, yet I know money follows attention and attention means power, it means the universe backs you up.

I know I live with so many privileges… things that I dreamed when I was little, they’re finally coming through… did I just had to want them a little more for them to happen sooner?

Why do I live in disbelief?
why can’t I feel comfortable when I get stranger’s attention at a random party, Why doesn’t it feel like I can be anywhere where they perceive me as a real person and not a “fuckable” woman and why do I dislike being seen just as an object?

How can I cope with the extreme dislike I feel when men make me feel like this… it feels so lonely…

Why is it that some females see me and feel the need to compare to me and alienate me out of their own insecurities

Sometimes it’s just

I guess I know I’m pretty, I’ve never fully believed it, yet I’ve always been told I am and I’ve always suffered for it.

It comes the time when you realize, denying your own power won’t make people hate you less… at least the woman. The men clearly find it charming, some use it to manipulate you.

Is it wrong to go out on public and expect to be respected, to go out with your friends and not make them jealous over the annoying attention and uncomfortable comments that men make over my body… I too wish it was them getting the attention.

I just want to go out with my friends and feel like I fit in… I don’t want a guy trying to pull me away from the people I care here to celebrate with without someone constantly “accidentally” bumping into me?

Why does it bother me so much for them to tell me I’m pretty without caring about anything else about me and assuming I must be stupid.

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t

I turn around hoping one of my friends would save me… all I hear when I try to leave over the harassment I’ve been receiving how they’re “the cool girls” how they can handle these situations so much better than me.

I know they don’t get it, I know my existence offended her, I just wanted to be friends.

Why do I care so much about what people think of me?

Denying the beauty, this curse of not knowing if a friendship is tainted… why can’t they see I’m human too

It feels like maybe my mind needs to spill a little in order to heal

I think I can be hard sometimes, yet soft and caring the times that matter… I try to

Why do I feel pretty but never pretty enough to be respected?

I don’t feel sorry for myself… I guess if someone was to describe me maybe they’d use the word “complainy”

And well, I’m sitting here on a Sunday looking through my bedroom mirror the amazing view of the city thinking of what a fucking dread it is to have people be jealous of me.

What a waste of time and mental energy.
I too have talked with a paranoid person with a great fear to be seen this morning.

He was a flautist, he played fast and well…

As I came to greet him he shares such intimate things about himself to me, the universe put me there to listen to him while he is going through much, just a stranger.

I wouldn’t dare to say much more, but today while listening to him, it felt to me like I had a purpose. And too maybe being reflected on him.

I’m not looking for anyone to defend me or feel pity for me, I just want to share who I am, the real mess that’s in my mind and what causes me to feel like people never really like me enough.

I’m just trying to journal to connect with myself and heal my throat chakra

Thank you for reading me 🖤