ok so i am back home now. Things didn't go nearly as bad as i had thought they would. I will admit that i wasn't quite ready to leave but i was. I guess what i really mean is I wasn't ready to leave my little bro. I know that he needs me right now and i feel like i can't be there for him from so far away. I am also worried that the situation of our dad being gone will set in once everyone is gone and it is just him and my s-mom there. That kid broke my heart on more than one occasion just telling me the truth. Like I don't come home enough, I don't call enough, he wants to live with me, blah blah. It's ok though. I am gonna do more for him. I hope I am in california when he visits me this summer. I know he would have more fun there than here in Kentucky. Plus I want Jennifer to meet him and I want her to love him as much as I do. I know that sounds weird but he is a big part of my life and she is a big part of my life too. I love her and I want her to be part of my family. I want her to be a HUGE part of my family.
I can't help but notice some things changing lately though. I fear that I may be falling into a funk or depression or something. I feel so sensitive and needy. I know that is a horrible thing to watch. I feel tired all the time and all I really want to do is sleep. I don't have a lot to say. It's ok though. I hope that I will get over this soon though.
As for the funeral...well things became so real for me that day. I can't remember much of the service...I just remember my dad in that coffin...it didn't look like him. He looked so small...so...dead. I know that is what a funeral is..someone died..but to see your father that way it really just punched me in the gut. I kept looking at my nephew who is 16 months old...he was so oblivious to what was going on around him. He was playing with his graham crackers and just laughing and enjoying the fact that the people around him would do pretty much anything to make sure he was in a good mood at that moment. I remember laughing during the funeral because of what he was doing with his graham crackers...then I felt guilty for laughing. Then I realized that I didn't need to care about what people thought. I was so worried I wouldn't cry during the service because I don't do well with crying in front of people that I am not close to. I didn't cry at my grandpa's funeral and people thought it meant I didn't care. The exact opposite though...I hurt so much I couldn't let people see it. Now at my dad's funeral I did cry but I was able to control it. I have cried so much but I still haven't let it go completely yet. I just can't because I am worried it will completely consume me. I know I can't hold it in for much longer.
I have an interview this week and I am really excited about it...even though it isn't what I really want to do. I just need a job cause I need something to do. I have to get back to the "real world". I need to save money to get the hell out of kentucky. I need to start my life again and I am being given that chance yet again. I am ready to make my relationship real on all levels and be me again. I am worried though that I am losing my faith. I haven't prayed all week. That isn't normal for me. I hope things will feel normal again soon.
I can't help but notice some things changing lately though. I fear that I may be falling into a funk or depression or something. I feel so sensitive and needy. I know that is a horrible thing to watch. I feel tired all the time and all I really want to do is sleep. I don't have a lot to say. It's ok though. I hope that I will get over this soon though.
As for the funeral...well things became so real for me that day. I can't remember much of the service...I just remember my dad in that coffin...it didn't look like him. He looked so small...so...dead. I know that is what a funeral is..someone died..but to see your father that way it really just punched me in the gut. I kept looking at my nephew who is 16 months old...he was so oblivious to what was going on around him. He was playing with his graham crackers and just laughing and enjoying the fact that the people around him would do pretty much anything to make sure he was in a good mood at that moment. I remember laughing during the funeral because of what he was doing with his graham crackers...then I felt guilty for laughing. Then I realized that I didn't need to care about what people thought. I was so worried I wouldn't cry during the service because I don't do well with crying in front of people that I am not close to. I didn't cry at my grandpa's funeral and people thought it meant I didn't care. The exact opposite though...I hurt so much I couldn't let people see it. Now at my dad's funeral I did cry but I was able to control it. I have cried so much but I still haven't let it go completely yet. I just can't because I am worried it will completely consume me. I know I can't hold it in for much longer.
I have an interview this week and I am really excited about it...even though it isn't what I really want to do. I just need a job cause I need something to do. I have to get back to the "real world". I need to save money to get the hell out of kentucky. I need to start my life again and I am being given that chance yet again. I am ready to make my relationship real on all levels and be me again. I am worried though that I am losing my faith. I haven't prayed all week. That isn't normal for me. I hope things will feel normal again soon.
phoenixgirl:
I have such a large family that I have been to way too many funerals in my day...it certainly doesnt make it any easier, but family support definately does help. You cant expect for it to just be better and move on, its a slow healing process, but dont keep your feelings bottled up, that will only make it worse, if you need to cry, then cry, but dont forget to remember all the good stuff and laugh too 
user038538:
sounds like despite everything, you are doing really well...i felt the same way (sensitive and needy) my personality completely changed for a while...some things went back to normal and some things just changed...good luck with the job!