visionfromacrash

I want to say that things are changing in my life and for the better, but I can't anymore. Really, its just a matter of me stopping lying to everyone about being happy, and just curling in on myself like I did at the club last night. Thats right, at a club. Basically, the fact that I spent the entire night dancing by myself whilst surrounded by people I don't know (note: Also brought by people I don't know), I just found myself wanting to escape.

Eventually, I did. For a half an hour I curled up in a corner in an adjacent room, feeling the connections of people around me and questioning myself as to why I don't have something like that, why I can't form these healthy relationships with other people. Why I have to be so trapped in the goddamn past. I know, I know, its all my fault that I'm in this situation, but when you feel more comfortable living in a self indulgent nostolgia than trying to create new, tangible memories, its definitely hard to force a change.

I don't want to face it, but my addiction is still there. I fight every day not to indulge it, and as some of my friends have realized, its a threat to me even now.

I'm tired of being vulnerable and inaccessible all at once.